Hiding from my kids

Hello, my name is Julie and I'm an addict.

2009-12-29T21:18:00.000-08:00

My drug of choice? Farmville with a Farm Town chaser. I swear that if I spent the time exercising that I spend farming I would look anorexic.

Did you know that the more neighbors you have the bigger the farm you can own? And I just don't understand this but not everyone I know wants to farm. Go figure. Actually, I had no desire to farm until Jeff's Aunt Serena wore me down. She would not take no for an answer. So, I joined in.

And then the trouble began. I wasn't satisfied with my tiny farm. I needed more neighbors. Or co-dependents as I refer to them. When I ran out of 'real' friends, I made up friends. I am now managing my farm and my fake friends', Doug and Jennifer's farms. That's SEVEN farms all together.

I've never considered myself a competitive person but Jeff is and will readily admit it. His competitiveness has worn off on me. I began farming weeks before him and was out of work for three months but he's still just a few points behind me. But the best part is... I have mastered nine crops. I think he has five. Ha ha ha ha!

Wow, I just reread this. I'm sure that most of you think I'm nuts. I may have to agree with you.

P.S. Sorry this was so sloppily written but I've got crops to harvest.

Making a fool of myself at the company Christmas party.

2009-12-14T23:08:00.001-08:00

Why is it that sometimes when I'm nervous my mouth engages before my brain? I swear I could have died of embarrassment tonight.

Here I am trying to make a good impression on the company that I'm working for as a temp-to-hire. This is a Christian based company which means that I'm totally trying not to swear all day long. (It must be working because tonight I was talking to Haldor and I said "Goll" instead of "God". He turns to me and said "Did you just say Goll?)

Haldor and I attended my company Christmas party. I don't like crowds. I feel very nervous around people I don't know. What I usually do when I'm going to be thrown into something like this is take a Xanax. Tonight I forgot the Xanax and I'm kicking myself and don't even want to show my face at work tomorrow.

What happened, you ask? Well, they opened the party with a little intro and then said it's tradition for the new employees to introduce themselves and anyone they have brought with them. And with that.... he shoves a fucking MICROPHONE in my face.

And what do I say, you ask? I don't really remember other than I say OUT LOUD that had I known I was going to have to speak that I would have taken a Xanax before I got there. There were some laughs but I think they were nervous laughs. I'm sure people were saying "Did she just say that?"

Later one of the gals came up to me and said something about me taking a Zantac. No Patty, I don't have heartburn, I have social anxiety.

I said something to my bosses wife (she's also a co-worker) that I wish I would have been warned. She said I probably would have made myself sick all day knowing. I suppose I would have but I would have at least been a little prepared.

I'd really like to just forget the whole thing happened. I also hope that this doesn't ruin my chance for permanent employment. Maybe I'll just be forever known as the girl with the heartburn.

Thank you Santa!

2009-12-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

Santa is bringing me an early Christmas present and I couldn't be more thrilled. He's giving me a clean house, privacy and peace of mind. Yes, Gunnar is moving out!

I had finally had it the other day and told him he needed to move out. I've been putting my life on hold for him for too long and I can no longer handle it. He left and didn't return home or speak to me for a few days. Fine by me. I finally spoke to him today and he's no longer mad at me and he's excited to get his own place. Sometime this week he and his friend Aaron are moving into a three bedroom house about a mile from me.

I'm excited! Not just for me but for him as well. And I'm so excited that it's taking all my willpower to not go out and buy him a bunch of stuff. I'm making mental notes of what he will be needing though. And it's an excuse to get me some new stuff.

He needs furniture and what perfect timing. Jeff just bought a new sofa so Gunnar will take his old one. I recently got a new TV stand from Jeff's friends so I will pass on my old Ikea one to Gunnar. He has dishes but needs some drinking glasses. Mine don't match my dishes so I will pack up my old ones and go get some new, prettier ones for myself. I will pass on my old towels and get me some new, fluffy ones that better match my bathroom.

Life seems to be breezing along once again. I've been at my job since, I think, the 15th of November. I'm liking it more and more each day. I'm so busy that the days and weeks are flying by. The commute isn't so bad. Yet. It's so cold and windy here today. I'm not looking forward to driving to work in the snow or ice. They are cool about what time I arrive so I figure on those mornings when it's nasty outside I will try to leave the house a little bit earlier and just take my time getting there.

Not much else to report. Jeff and I are doing fine. I'm getting excited to have him off and home for Christmas this year. I am going to splurge and get a real Christmas tree this year as a special treat for him.

Life is looking up. History has shown that when things are going well something always happens to spoil it. I'm just hoping that I don't get that phone call from Kjersti telling me she's moving home. Gunnar does have a spare room though so maybe he can put her up for awhile.

I'm bringing him out in the open.... with his permission

2009-11-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I mentioned a person that I met through the internet who has had a huge impact on my life. This man has been so helpful to me and I really wanted him to know how much I appreciate our friendship. I also didn't know how he would feel about me talking about him. I didn't mention much about him because I respect his privacy.

I received a really nice e-mail from him today thanking me for my kind words. They weren't just words; I was speaking from the heart. So tonight as we were on the phone AGAIN....(every night this week but one), I asked him if I could mention him by name.

So this is with his permission..... most of you know him as Rob...or his blog Frogs For Lunch.

I'm not real sure at this point how I came across Rob but I'm pretty sure it was through Kim. I guess I should be just as thankful for meeting Kim. She brought a really nice person into my life!

Thank you both!

Hello....... is anyone out there?

2009-11-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

Hi Peoples!!!

Guess what? I gots me a job! Well, it's not totally official yet. I found it through a temp agency so it's a job but it's not all mine yet.

I have been through a lot lately and this whole job search was about to do me in. With the help of some really wonderful, kind, and loving people (okay, one person) that I happened to meet through the internet, I think I have come out on the other side with a little bit of my sanity still intact.

Not only have I met the love of my life on the internet, I have met someone else and through many e-mails, IM's and phone calls he has talked me through so much shit. I have actually freaked out and cried with this person. I consider him a good and loyal friend. And Jeff knows about him and he's totally cool with that.

So, the job? The first couple days I could have just bolted out the door. Change is difficult and learning new things for me is very frustrating. I walked out the door last Friday (after a day and a half of work) and called Jeff from the car and started bawling. I think it was just all this pent up frustration.

Monday was an okay day even though the girl that's supposed to be training me was sick and gone! She worked half a day on Tuesday and that's when I lost it again. How the hell am I supposed to learn anything if there is no one there to teach me?

Today she worked a full day and spent a lot of time with me. She's a great teacher and I'm beginning to REALLY like her which totally sucks because she's the one I'm replacing!

I knew I wasn't happy in my last job mostly because I was bored and had nothing to do all day except read blogs. And when they blocked Google blogs it really started to suck. This new job? I don't even look at the clock.

There are also a lot of long timers there. You can tell they are really satisfied and happy with their jobs. Hopefully one day I will be considered a 'long timer'.

There are a few things that are unusual about my job. First off, they are a Christian organization. (I wasn't told this when I went on my interview.) Every Monday they hold a prayer meeting from 8am until 8:30. Of course, by law, it's totally voluntary. I think I'll hold off on the meetings for awhile.

At first I was so afraid I was going to say something that would offend someone but so far all I've uttered is one 'shit' and that was under my breath. I've heard a few people say 'praise God', but that's about it. It's not in your face which is a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I go to church..... but only on holidays. I'm not a very good person in that respect but I do believe in God and I don't have a problem with prayer meetings. It's just that I also like to use the word 'fuck' a lot. I haven't said it once at work. I've been on my best behavior and I'm amazed myself at how good I can be!

I think I will get along just fine with my new co-workers but I don't think I'll be doing anything outside of work with these people. Jamie (my friend and co-worker from my last job) and I used to email each other back and forth all day long, and our desks were only about 10 feet apart. Our beloved topic of conversation? Poop! I don't think I'll be discussing poop with anyone there. I guess I can live with that.

So, it's a good job, nice people, room for promotion and the potential to make some good money. They sucky part? It's an hour commute on a good day. It's all freeway driving but it's in our state capital so I'm leaving work when all the state workers are leaving as well. I also have to pass an Army base and an Air Force base on the way home. All those people are leaving at the same time and it really gums up the freeway. Our state has over a 9% unemployment rate. I just need to count my blessings. I could be in traffic driving to the food bank!

Life is getting better and it's good to be back!

Please don't forget about me.

2009-11-08T01:03:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about potential employers finding this site. Actually, I think I'm obsessing about it. These days I'm obsessing about lots of things. I guess that's what I do when I don't have a job to fill my days. And that fucking Farm Ville and Farm Town on Facebook. Jeff's Aunt Serena talked me into it because she needed a neighbor. Now I'm hooked.

I haven't been consistent about checking Sitemeter but I browsed around the other day and it looks like I'm safe so far. But I've decided I need to do something just while I'm looking for a job. So, I will be making this private for a little while beginning on Monday or Tuesday.

I promise I will be back soon... well, I sure hope it's just for a short time or I will be in the local mental hospital if I don't get a job soon.

I've had a couple more interviews and didn't get offered either jobs. It's getting very discouraging and hard to keep up the positive attitude. I have another interview this week. Something has got to happen soon. It just does.

I hope that you won't forget about me. As Arnold says; "I'll be back".

I can be found by a google search, is that going to hurt me?

2009-11-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've been applying for jobs and was wondering if potential employers could find my blog. I had done a search not too long ago and my page was way down in the google search. I wasn't too concerned. I decided to look again today and I come up on the first page now. Is there any way I can make this private for just my followers only? I don't post anything too bad but do I really want a future boss to know that I get gassy when I get massages?

Job hunting update and a lecture from my mother about facebook

2009-10-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't get chosen for job number one. It looks like I won't have to worry about passing that personality test after all. They decided to go with the friend of a current employee, and they also didn't have to pay a fee to hire. Surprise! I still think I did well in the interview and they were nice people. And to be totally honest, I don't think I would have been happy in the position.

I had the other interview today. This was the same job I held previously in the same industry. They seemed like really nice people as well. There are 10 people in the office and they have an 'office cat'. It was all curled up on a chair in the conference room. Very cool. I just felt like I didn't do as well today. It was like they asked me these questions and after I answered them I thought 'did I really answer them and get to the point or did I side step that'? It just felt like nothing came out right. The President of my last job is kind of a jerk. He's pissed lots of people off in the industry and these people made a few comments about him. I think they could only imagine what it would be like working for him. Actually the owner who interview me today used to work for my previous employer years ago. He said he felt like he was just a number and a commodity to them. He said the culture and attitude in their company is much different. They treat their employees like family. I just said I didn't want to say anything bad about them. They treated me well.

I sent an email to my supervisor and asked if they had called for a reference. He emailed me and said they called the VP right after my interview. He told me that the VP said some very nice things about me. So, hopefully I didn't fuck it up totally.

On another note... if you've read this for awhile you will know about my mother and the small town she lives in. Gossipville? Yeah, that's the place.

Somehow I have had lots of friend requests from people that I've grown up with and even friends of my mother. I have approved these people because they are nice people but I've also resigned myself to the fact that I will have to monitor everything I post because it will be talked about and get back to my mother.

My mother attended a funeral today for a family friend and the daughter of this friend mentioned to my mother about my job search and interview today. I kind of posted it today so she would know why I didn't attend the funeral of her father.

I call my mother this afternoon to tell her about the interview and she starts going off on me telling me to stop this facebook stuff. It's just for those gossipy types and they shouldn't know my business. Holy fuck! I told her that I only post what I would say to someone and want anyone to know. I don't give away the family secrets. I'm 51 years old and I'm not going to stop posting on facebook just because my mommy tells me so.

She'd have a stroke if she knew about this blog!!!

That's all for now. I'm running out the door to have sushi with Gunnar and Haldor.

Keep your fingers crossed on the job, please? Thanks!

I think I'm bi-polar because I feel higher than a kite today.

2009-10-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

Three posts today.. yeah, I know, it's a little excessive but I've had nothing to post about for so long and then BAM, all kinds of good shit happens in one day. I'm so happy I just have to share all my happiness with my ten whole internet friends!

After my freaking, awesome interview Haldor came over and installed the new stereo I bought for the Ranger. He also fixed the sound on my desk top computer and fixed the leaky faucet outside. Is that not awesome? I really do love my kids some days. I never seem to love them all on the same day though. Today Kjersti irritates me. Gunnar is okay even though he asked for clean sheets. He told me four times how much he appreciated it. I got a hug and a kiss as well. Only because I think he's having 'company' tonight. It's funny, he didn't used to care if I spent the night at Jeff's. Now he texts me almost every day asking where I will be. (No Gunnar, you are not getting laid tonight)

Anders never makes me mad or frustrated. He never did as a child and he still doesn't. He really was the perfect child. I always said he was switched at birth. He couldn't possibly be one of ours. He is so different from the rest. I was just happy we got him. I used to imagine a family out there with three well behaved children and one wild child wondering what happened. Sorry suckers, we're not giving him back!

So anywho.... On October 6th I found a job posting for the exact job in the exact same industry I had been working in at my last job. I didn't hear back from them so I figured my resume got lost amongst the hundreds they probably received. But low and behold, today in my inbox is an email from that company. They want me to come in for an interview!!!

I have applied for fourteen positions and have had three interviews. I was getting very discouraged. Today I am so happy I feel like running out in the streets and screaming for joy.

I will keep you all posted.... because I can.

The interview

2009-10-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

Just arrived home from my interview. I am really happy with how it went. I think I was calm and confident.

I met with the Vice President and the Controller. The VP was a VERY nice man. He shook my hand when I arrived and when he asked about my work experience I explained that my resume began with 1997 because I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. He actually stood up and shook my hand again. A man that can appreciate the hard work it takes to be a parent!

I was myself and I'm happy with how I projected myself. If I don't get hired, I know that I did the best I could do and it's their loss.

Now it's time to wait. They said I should hear back from them tomorrow!

Wish me luck!

Trying to land a job on five hours of sleep and a fuckload of frustration.

2009-10-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, another bitchy post for yours truly. I need to do a little venting this morning because today is an important day for me. Hopefully if I can get this all down into little words on my little laptop screen I can then pull my shit together and make it a great day.

I am going in for a second interview today. It’s not a job that I really want only because it’s not really suited to me. But at this point I’m getting worried. I’ve been told that the longer I am out of work, the less valuable I am to a potential employer. It’s been two whole fucking months and I just need to get my foot in the door, somewhere. Anywhere.

I bought some new clothes yesterday for my interview. Everything is washed and ironed. I also got my hair colored so the gray is gone and hopefully I won’t look like some old gray haired lady. They are having three of us come back for a second interview then will choose two to come back for a personality test. If I am lucky enough to be chosen and even if they love me, if I don’t pass the test, I won’t get the job. Talk about some pressure here. I don't even know if I have a personality anymore.

I went to bed at midnight last night thinking that I could sleep until 7:30 and have plenty of time to get ready. My interview is at 10am. I figured I would look well rested with seven and a half hours of sleep. I also forgot that my curling iron broke and I didn’t replace it. Now my options are down to straight hair or really wild, curly hair. I guess I’m going for straight because I read once that you shouldn’t go in an interview with wild hair.

Normally when Gunnar leaves for work I don’t even hear him. And usually when I am woken up in the morning I can fall right back to sleep. This morning I hear him in the kitchen and the light is on. My bedroom door was cracked slightly so I could see a little bit of light. No big deal though, right? Then at 4:59 he goes out and starts his truck right under my bedroom window. I normally don’t hear his truck either but this past weekend he put some nice, loud mufflers on his truck. And of all mornings he chooses this morning to let it warm up a little. Okay, once again no big deal. I’ll just stay in bed and relax.

Oh no…. not happening today. Kjersti has once again forgotten that she is THREE FUCKING HOURS AHEAD of me and decides to send me a text at 5:15 am telling me she will be home next week. The thing that pisses me off about that is that I think in the past month she has sent me that same text about five times. I told her before she went to Michigan and was having problems with David that I understood her decision to go there but didn’t want to hear the day to day bullshit drama. If she ever decided to come home we would all be here for her. So, is this text another hoax or is she really coming home? And could she not have waited a few more hours to tell me?

Since the kids have grown and I’ve gotten my divorce I feel like I’ve taken two huge steps forward in my life. Everything was going so well. Now I feel like I’ve taken a step backwards and it frustrates me. I always said that she would not be living with me again. I don’t know why I said it because I would be a really bad parent if I let my daughter and grandson be homeless. Of course, she does have a father and he has a home as well. The only problem with that is Haldor would have to suffer.

I know that none of this is making sense unless you know me or have read back from the beginning. The bottom line is; I need my own space and my sanity can’t handle living with a four year old again. I think I just saw my sanity fly out the window. I’m going to a job interview on five hours of sleep. Hopefully if I get this job I will at least have somewhere to go each day.

Despite what I said, I’m getting Kjersti's day to day drama. And so is her poor brother Haldor. We have both told her to either buck up and stay or come home, get a job and get on with her life. She continues to ask us the same advice and we continue to give it. I don’t need the drama and I certainly don’t need it today.

Update: It's 6:43am and Gunnar just sent me a text asking if I will throw his sheets in the wash. WTF? Is it too late to put these kids back where they came from?

Something a little more upbeat... can you see the smile on my face?

2009-10-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've looked back on my posts and I really appear to be a downer lately. I'm really not that unhappy it's just that I like to come here to vent.

On a positive note: Jeff and I went to Vancouver Canada (there is a Vancouver Washington as well) this past weekend. We had such a relaxing time. I have to say that I want whatever those Canadians are smoking and/or popping. We had such exceptional customer service everywhere we went. Everyone was so friendly.

We hit the Washington border and stopped for a bite. The guy that waited on me was horrible. I had ordered our meals and they left Jeff's on the counter (not under warming lights) while mine was being prepared. It sat there for the longest time. Jeff said to me that he hoped it wasn't cold when he got it so when the guy went to hand me my food I asked for a warm hot dog. He turned around and threw the whole plate, hot dog and bag of chips in the trash and glared at me. I just looked at him, winked and said "nice attitude, dude" and walked away. Jeff swears the new hot dog had spit on it. I should have said; "Dude, you need to move to Canada and chill out"

It's Sunday and I have my usual anxiety, what's new?

2009-10-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when my life seems to be going well something always happens to turn it to shit? As the kids were growing up there would always be this point where everyone seemed to be heading in the right direction, all was well, but it was just the calm before the storm. Something dramatic would always crop up.

I've come to realize that even though they are grown, anything that affects my children still affects me. The past few days I have felt on the verge of tears most of the day. I never want to be a downer around Jeff so I just put a smile on my face, in my voice and try to push my insecurities away. It helps for the most part.

I went on my interview last Friday. I guess I did okay. She (Michelle) told Laurie (the head hunter) that she liked me and thought I could do the job. In fact, she thought I could actually teach them some things about using their software. They use the same software that I used at my last job. I'm sure we didn't use the program to it's fullest potential but they certainly don't. Michelle also told Laurie that she couldn't get a feel for my personality and didn't feel that we 'clicked'. Laurie explained to her that I've only had two jobs. I wasn't a 'professional interviewee' and maybe don't know how to say what I think she wants to hear. Michelle told Laure she would like to interview with me again. I guess that will be sometime this next week. I'm thinking that I'm going to go work there, not be Michelle's friend, so why the hell do I need to click with her?

The problem is I don't think I want the job. I don't think I will be happy and Jeff tells me I need to change my attitude. He's right to a degree but I also know myself well enough that there are some major red flags going off.

First of all, I'm a people person. I loved working retail because I loved the interaction with the customers and my fellow employees. I then went to work in an office of 25. There were only five of us on our floor. Greg and Mark were in an adjoining office, Tija and Jamie and I were in another office. Tija did payroll and was extremely busy but she and Jamie and I chatted throughout the day. It was a nice place but I still missed the interaction with more people.
This job that I interviewed for is basically a receptionist and I would be at the front door totally secluded from EVERYONE in the building. Also, they are fire alarm company (installation and service) so they are on call 24/7. I would have to be tied to the phone from 7:30am until 4:30pm. No exceptions. I don't have a problem being on time in the morning, I always arrive around 20 minutes early. I just don't like that I will have to call someone when I want to use the bathroom so they can back me up on the phone. I don't want to be tied to my desk. I loved my past jobs because of the flexibility. It's not like there are a lot of jobs out there, I don't have the luxury of being picky. But I also feel guilty that these people would be paying almost $8,000.00 to hire me. I should have a better attitude.

So, the job stuff is stressful enough. Now I have Kjersti and her drama as well. I thought that she was finally on her way to independence. I was wrong. I have learned over the years that you only hear what they want to tell you but she tells me that she withheld from David the full extent of the abuse she received from Aydan's father. She didn't tell David until after they were married and now he says she lied and he can never trust her again. He wants a divorce.

All I know for sure is that she loves him very much. I have seen her do everything in her power to make him happy. He's just not a happy person. She is so heart broken and feels she has failed miserably. She is also heart broken for Aydan. He called David 'Daddy' and they loved each other very much. She feels bad for Aydan losing someone he loves. I understand completely.

I think David is a controlling person and she's better off without him but my heart still aches for her.

So... she is moving back from Michigan and has no place to go. Guess where she will be living? My house. I swear to God I will never have my own space. No, I did, for about 6 months when Gunnar moved out. I will basically be moving in with Jeff. What that really means is that I will leave all my things (furniture, dishes, personal belongings) at my house, move my clothes to Jeff's and no longer live out of a suitcase. Kjersti will take over my bedroom and Aydan will take the guest room. In my mind it will only be slightly better than living out of a suitcase.

Jeff's house is smaller than mine so I really can't be moving stuff into here and besides the kids will need stuff anyway. I feel like I'm being pushed out of my home and don't feel totally at home at Jeff's. Once again I feel like because I'm a parent I have to put myself out for them. I'm tired of it, I want my own life. My own grownup life.

I'm thinking maybe I need to double my dose of Celexa.

Stuff in my head that needs to get down into words so I can relax.

2009-10-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

1. The air is brisk but the sun is shining. I had a nice lunch with three ex-coworkers today. They bitched about their jobs and how it's been said there will be more layoffs. I'm so happy I'm not there but I'm feeling cranky and anxious today. I need a job.

2. I'm a facebook junkie. I never cared for facebook but since I've been laid off I could spend all day online. I need a job.

3. I want to eat all day because there is food around me. I need a job.

4. I went home today and grabbed some clothes to go meet with the head hunter tomorrow. I got back to Jeff's house and realized I left my shoes at home. I'm tired of living out of a suitcase. I need a job.

5. I went and got a manicure and pedicure today. I blew $50 but figured I've got to look good for my interview on Friday. I'm sporting some Minnesota Vikings purple toenails. I need a job.

6. The interview on Friday? I need to convince them that I NEED A JOB!

I'm alive and well

2009-10-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I haven't been here in awhile. I haven't really had much to say. I'm still unemployed and trying to keep busy. Not that it's really that hard for me with two houses to take care of.

We got Kjersti and Aydan all moved out and they stayed at my house for two weeks. I kind of hid out at Jeff's house most days. It helped a lot to keep me sane. I stopped by, bought groceries, visited and then would head back to Jeff's house. I took them shopping and bought Aydan new shoes and clothes and Kjersti a new suitcase. I spent a fortune that I shouldn't have but she needed help. It always feels good to help your kids.

Gunnar and I took them to the airport on the 30th. We helped them in with their luggage, had a cup of coffee and walked them to security. As they walked away I started crying. Here is my big, burly 23 year old son holding my hand and walking through the airport while his mother is crying. I love my kids!

Kjersti is struggling a little in Michigan. She's living with David's father and step-mother. She says his father doesn't like her but his mother and step-mother love her. David is having a hard time being away and putting her through all kinds of mind games. He told her he no longer loves her and wants a divorce one day then is fine the next. She says she has no job, no life and no home. Jeff told me to tell her to have him pay for her way home and have her come back. He says we are family and she will always have a place to stay. Easy for him to say, that home will be mine. I told him if she comes back I'm moving in with him. He seemed fine with that. It's true though, she is more than welcome to come home. I'll deal with it.

Gunnar is finally back to work. He's considering going back to school to further his welding skills. He's asked my opinion on that. I told him that I feel my life is on hold until he gets his life going and moves out but he's also got to make himself more employable. Whatever it takes for him to get a stable job and move out. He's not moving back once he moves out. I hope...

I've been working with a head hunter and so far have had one interview. She has not heard back from them yet so I have no idea how I have done. I have another interview scheduled for Friday. I'm ready to get back to work. There is only so much cleaning and yard work I can do on Jeff's and my house. I'm running out of things to do.

I'm not dying yet but I suppose it's only a matter of time.

2009-09-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I went to the oral surgeon today. He tells me I'm not dying. He said the same thing my dentist said; they are benign spots that could be caused by stress. He gave me an antibiotic oral rinse to use 'just in case'. If there are any changes I'm supposed to see him again.

I realized today that the pain I'm experiencing is TMJ. I've dealt with it years ago when I had four kids under six years old. (Another stressful time in my life). It bothers me from time to time but this time my jaw is not clicking and popping. It's just really tight muscles.

Today I am anxious, nervous, jumpy and grumpy. I'm also feeling guilty and I'm trying to not let it get the best of me. Kjersti and Aydan have been staying at my house. They are leaving next Wednesday for Michigan. I have only stayed there two nights since she has been there. It's just that I'm a little stressed right now and hearing Aydan say my name five billion times in one hour does not help the muscles in my jaw. He wakes me up at 7am to tell me it's time to get up while his mother sleeps until 10am. I feel guilty that soon he'll be gone and I don't have the mental stamina to hang with them until they leave.

I have gone to the store twice to buy groceries. They run my dish washer daily and loads and loads of laundry. I'm not rolling in the dough right now and having them (and Gunnar) is costing me. Kjersti and Gunnar are trying their best to keep the house clean but we all know that it will never be clean to my standards. My house feels so dirty right now that I want everyone to leave so I can start scrubbing it from top to bottom.

Gunnar is all bummed out that he's not working. Kjersti is a mental case and is crying every time David calls from Iraq. Her whole life revolves around his daily phone calls. And poor Aydan? He just wants to go to the park!

So here I am, the shitty Mother and Grandmother sitting at Jeff's house in peace and quiet trying desperately to hold onto my sanity.

Down to the wire

2009-09-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not having a good day. I should be because the sun is shining and it's absolutely gorgeous outside today. I feel anxious and want to take a Xanax.

I have decided that I have been unemployed long enough. (I think it's been about 5 weeks now) Unfortunately it's not that easy. There are no jobs out there that I am qualified for. It appears that I should be taking a class on Quickbooks because every fucking job out there wants someone qualified to use Quickbooks and of course I used a program that was industry specific. An industry that is hurting and not hiring. Ugh!

Adding to my anxiety is that my health insurance is running out in one more week. Last week when I was at the dentist getting my crown the dentist tells me that I have these questionable spots on the inside of my cheeks. She says they look like leukoplakia which can be precancerous spots. She says the good thing is I have them on both cheeks which isn't as much of a concern unless I had them on only one cheek. I didn't have them six months ago when I had my teeth cleaned. My other dentist tells me that they can also be caused by stress. Oh, let's see; what the fuck do I have to be stressed about? No job, soon no health insurance, my daughter and grandson staying with me for two weeks. Yeah, I got me some stress right now.

I didn't even know I had these spots and probably could have lived without knowing. But now my crazy mind has taken over. I made the mistake of looking up leukoplakia online. I know have all the symptoms. I've also decided that I have cancer of the mouth. I'm going to lose everything. All my money will be gone, I'll have to sell my cars and house just to pay my doctors bills. And in the end I will die anyway. I will die penniless.

My dentist wants me to see an oral surgeon. He says he sees this stuff everyday and can make a better diagnosis. He may just prescribe me a steroid rinse. I'm going to be a wreck until tomorrow. In the meantime? I just want to drug myself up, curl up in a ball and forget about everything.

Grandma needs a drink... or two

2009-09-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I had Aydan overnight on Friday. He's a very well behaved little boy and you almost always never have to tell him to do something more than once. Like most kids, he will always say something to embarrass you.

On Saturday we took a little ride out to see my mother. My sister came up for a visit as well. Aydan had not seen her in years. My sister is gay and looks more male than female. The first thing out of Aydan's mouth is "Are you a boy or a girl?" I thought I was going to die. My sister handled it well, I'm sure it's not the first time she's encountered that question.

I drove Aydan home on Saturday afternoon and went home to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Yesterday Haldor drove down with his truck and trailer and Gunnar headed down with me to Kjersti's house. She and her brother's packed all her furniture and moved it to a storage shed. I spent the whole day working in her yard and watching Aydan. When we got home last night I could barely walk. I am so worn out and sore.

Kjersti and Aydan are staying with us until they leave on the 30th. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I need a break. YES AYDAN, WE WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PARK!!! (Let Grandma pack a drink in a water bottle first.)

Jeff is sick and working days this week. He's getting up at 3:30am and seeing as he's not feeling well he says it's best for me to stay away. I texted him earlier and told him that I am going to his house tomorrow to enjoy the quiet. I'll leave once he gets home.

Aydan did let me take a nap today. He was very quiet and I really appreciate that. I'm still trying to recoup from all that yard work.

Uncle Gunnar is either in his room or out riding his motorcycle. We just aren't used to four year olds.

Kjersti said she had a headache and wanted to know if I had anything. I said what am I, a pharmacy? (well, one would wonder, I guess). Gunnar asked if I had anything for temporary deafness. We all decided that temporary muteness might work better.

I'm also sick of people's reactions to the news that they are moving to Michigan. Yes, her family is all here. His family is there. She wants to be there. I am not hurt by that. I would move away in a heartbeat as well. I will miss her but it's not the end of the world. There are airplanes for goodness sakes.

Unexpected reaction

2009-09-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

I logged onto my facebook account this morning and there was a post on Michelle's (my daughter-in-law) page. It said: Things have taken an awful turn You see, they are in New York with my ex. Someone asked what happened and she then said: We're all still alive so I supposed I should be grateful. Well, as far as we know pops is alive.

I was very surprised by my reaction. My heart was in my throat! I immediately called Anders and he didn't answer so I called Michelle's phone and Anders DID answer. I asked what was up with his dad. He said that he had just had enough of New York and took off for the airport to try to get a standby flight home.... three days early.

I'm sure I know what happened. Anders and Michelle are 25 and a young, fun-loving (they like to drink... BOOZE!) couple. They took their 62 year old anti-social, crabby, recovering alcoholic (sober 27 years) father on vacation with them. I knew it was a mistake.

What really surprised me was my reaction that something might be wrong with him. I haven't missed him a single day since he took all his shit and walked out the door. I have thought of him many times and hoped that he could let go of his anger towards me. I no longer love him and for that whole first year I felt bad about not feeling guilty for not wanting to be married to him any longer.

I thought about it later and I guess I was more concerned for Anders having to deal with his father that far away from home if he was sick or injured.

It was just unexpected. Maybe I still do have some compassion for the asshole.

Please tell me I'm not stupid and I won't regret this later

2009-09-03T18:28:00.001-07:00

I have a hard time saying no to people. Example: My girlfriend Shannon would do anything for me. I don't speak to her often but there is never any pressure to keep in contact and when we do finally reconnect, we pick up right where we left off.

Shannon teaches preschool and seeing as I have time off she wanted me to do a few 'little' sewing projects for her. It really wasn't a big deal but I need to be inspired to sew and these projects were not inspiring to me. I've gotten one done and will tackle the next one next week.

Remember my friend "Fern"? Well, Fern's sister is in the hospital and VERY sick. She has never healed from her C-section she had almost SIX YEARS ago. The problem is she weighs close to 500 pounds. It seems she has lots of dying flesh. In the past year she has been begging for a gastric bypass but they told her she needed to lose 100 pounds FIRST. Hello? If she could do that she probably could lose it all on her own.

So Fern's sister "Sally" has flown in from Pennsylvania because of their sister. I was thinking about how Fern needs to work and Sally is stuck where ever Fern drops her off. It sucks having one car.

What did I do? I called and offered her my second car! It just seemed like the right thing to do. I don't want Fern driving it because she weighs around 350 pounds. I don't have anything against fat people, she's a lovely woman but I don't want her to break down my driver's seat. I'm not going to tell her this because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I am just praying to God that nothing happens to my car. I have insurance but I also have a 500 dollar deductable. I'm not sure why I do these things. I guess I treat people the way I would like to be treated. I just don't want to regret this decision.

The number TEN!

2009-09-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

I now have ten whole followers! Wahoo!

I don't like crowds. They make me crazy and sometimes when I know I'm going to be around a lot of people I have to take a Xanax just to make it through. I don't know why I'm that way but all four of my children are the same. We tend to stay away from malls and places like Disney Land.

If I'm going to be around a group of people, I like small intimate groups. My friends laugh at me when I say I am shy. They don't see it. And I'm not shy or reserved when it's a small gathering.

So, I liken my followers to a small group where I can feel comfortable and say what's on my mind without feeling like a dork or a fool. As you've probably noticed, my filter doesn't work sometimes. The mouth (or keyboard in this case) tend to work before the brain engages. I don't really care because it's who I am. I think my honesty and straightforwardness is refreshing to some people.

I like my ten followers. I think they are all amazing, smart and funny people. If I only have you ten for the rest of my life I would be happy.

Thank you people!

I can belch like the best of them, but farting? No way.

2009-08-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it (at least for me) that it's okay to belch but it's the end of the world if you fart in front of someone? It's basically the same thing but different ends, right?

I never had a problem doing either in front of the ex. I don't remember when in our relationship it began but I never held back.

Move on to a new relationship. Jeff can rip them like no other. He says you gotta let them out or you will explode. When he says 'you' he's really speaking about himself.

Did you know that ladies don't pass gas? That's what Jeff says. Not that I really would do it in front of him. Okay, I did once but that was because I coughed and it just came out. We both laughed. I was given a pass.

I also want to know why is it that every single time I go to get a massage I get gassy? It's really hard to relax when you are holding your butt cheeks together.

I have no idea why I just posted this.... it's almost as embarrassing as farting in front of you all.

One person's junk is just that; JUNK

2009-08-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

One of the problems I had with my ex-husband was that he was a pack rat. I cannot stand clutter and I married a man that collected clutter. Our house was packed with furniture he had since childhood. It was like he had a sickness and couldn’t part with anything.

He always thought the things he had were worth something. I tried to tell him that things are only worth what someone is willing to pay you for them.

Our garage was packed with so much shit that you could barely walk through it.
He had boxes of every single issue of Hot Rod magazines since 1953. We carted those boxes every time we moved. And we moved many times in 28 years. Even out of state twice. During one of our moves he finally went through a box and found a 1972 phone book. I think this was about 1992. I’m not sure why he kept it because I couldn’t see the point in moving it from state to state twice. He finally decided that he would cash in his millions by selling those Hot Rod magazines. Guess what? They were worth NOTHING!

He also had a 1958 Schwinn bicycle. At one time someone offered him $700 for it but he refused. When he moved out he left it here and Gunnar finally sold it on Craigslist for $50.

Haldor and the ex bought a house together. Yesterday Haldor was here visiting and bitching about his father’s mounds of junk in the garage. He’s very frustrated by it and I TOTALLY understand. I feel for the kid. Not only did he have to take on his father but he had to take his shit as well.

I must attract the wrong men because when I met Jeff I found out he’s a collector as well. He’s got just about anything you could possibly buy with Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota Twins logos. I understand why people are passionate about things but my thinking is what the hell are you going to do with that shit? He won’t part with any of it and he has no children to pass it on to. I just look at it like useless shit. We’ve discussed that if something should happen to him I am the one that will be getting rid of his stuff. I’m sure that he’ll fetch a good amount of money for his collection. It’s worth much more than some Hot Rod magazines.

I’m also embarrassed to admit this but he had a car sitting in his back yard. It was the first car he ever owned. It no longer ran and was just rusting out sitting there. It was a bone of contention with his ex-wife. I think it drove her crazy having a rusting car in her back yard which I can totally relate to.

I once told Jeff that I would never live with him. When he asked why I told him it was because of the car and his very outdated kitchen and bathroom. I think the last time his kitchen was remodeled was in the 40’s. Think metal cabinets. Yuk! And had I known that he had a car in his back yard when I met him I probably would never dated him.

It’s been two years and he’s been slowly making changes in his life. Besides being a procrastinator he also puts a lot of thought into things. It took him almost 18 months before he gave me a key to his house. I understand though. He needed to know if he could trust me and also if I would take advantage of the access to his life and house. He values his privacy, which I respect.
He finally repaired his siding and painted his house. It should have been done at least ten years prior.

The best part of this weekend was he finally got rid of the car! His intention was doing it for me but he’s found that he’s happy about it. Then on Saturday we cleaned his garage and he let me put a motor he’s been storing for years on Craigslist and it sold yesterday.

All weekend he kept ticking off the list of things that need to be accomplished. This was the list of things I said needed to be changed before I would move in. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch about it, it’s just that I know how I am and I also know that if I moved in with him our relationship would not last.

I asked him why he keeps talking about us living together. Is he ready for that? He says he’s in no hurry (and he knows that I can’t do anything with my house for another year because of tax reasons). I guess I’m basically living with him now. I’ve spent the night at my house twice in the past three weeks.

By his words and actions I can tell that he’s moving towards us being together in the future. I think I’m okay with that. We’ve got a pretty strong relationship. We’ve learned our mistakes from our marriages and work hard at keeping things good between us.

He’s always said he would never remarry and I’m not so sure I want to anymore either. One day he was a little tipsy and mentioned marriage. He told me that we can’t live in sin forever. I said I’m not willing to give up half of my stuff. He said he would sign a prenup. I never thought I would go for that but being older and wiser, I totally would today.

So this weekend as we were driving home he looks up and says “There’s an EE Robins store”. (For those of you that don’t know, it’s ‘The Engagement Ring Store’. He doesn't mention things offhandedly like that. Now he's got me wondering...

One more teeny tiny whine and I'm done. Maybe.

2009-08-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

I just have one more thing to whine about. At least for tonight because I'm heading to bed soon.

I forgot what it's like to wear real work clothes. I wore jeans and t-shirts to work and have had nothing on my feet but flip flops for the past few months. I tried on some clothes tonight trying to find something to wear on this interview tomorrow. I stuffed my feet into a pair of shoes and they HURT!

I am pretty certain that I will never find another job where I can roll out of bed, brush my teeth and hair and throw on whatever is clean and within reach.

I was so fucking lucky.

Can I just whine for a little bit, please?

2009-08-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

Not having a job really shoots holes in your self-esteem and self worth. Looking for a job just about sinks it. I want to whine for a minute; I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!

The CFO at my last company gave Jamie a business card for a staffing company. I emailed him and asked if he knew this gal personally and he says back to me; 'I did communicate with her, mentioned your name, and bragged you up a bit. Actually, I just told her the truth; that you're very good at what you do and have the personality to work closely with a diverse group of people. Bryan had some nice words for you today, too.'

I called there today and spoke with a gentleman. He sent me an email telling me to fill out the online application. It took me two freaking hours to fill the damn thing out. I meet with him tomorrow. I'm nervous as heck and would love to take at least half a Xanax but don't want to go in there all groggy.

It is so hard to sell yourself. I don't feel like I can do it.

When my friend Sue found out I lost my job she sent me this; 'When one door closes, another opens and you will have no problem....hell you get jobs on your looks and personality alone girl!!'

One of the project managers (Bryan the CFO is referring to) from my past job said this; 'Julie, what is your background? So if I hear about a job that might be a fit for you I can pass the info to you. Is there a phone number you would like them to have in case something comes along? Let me know if there are particular areas you like to work in. Never know, I may hear of something that fits what you are looking for.

Glad to hear you will be fine. It was great to work with you, hopefully we will again in the future.'

Angie rewrote my resume for me and she put that I have an easy going attitude, love working with people, am outgoing, positive and hard working. I don't feel like I'm any of those things right now.

I've had to reread those emails over and over again to just get the confidence to meet with this guy tomorrow.

Ugh! I hate this and want to find a job that I can stay at forever!

Why?

2009-08-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

When I was employed I was always waking in the morning thinking if I just had a few more hours of sleep all would be well with the world. The past few nights as I've gone to bed I've been all giddy with the thought that I don't have to set the alarm. But guess what? I've been waking up at six-freaking-thirty in the morning. It doesn't help that I am switching back and forth from my bed to Jeff's. I get used to sleeping with him then go home and can't sleep because I'm all alone.

I've been keeping myself busy with all these household chores at each of our houses. Yesterday I went to the dump, mowed my yard and cooked Haldor, Gunnar and their two friends a nice salmon dinner. I hated cooking for the ex because he was so picky. I love cooking for growing boys that appreciate having a home cooked meal.

When I told Jamie all the things I'd gotten accomplished yesterday she responded with 'At least you are using your powers of OCD for good and not evil.' She is one of my friends that tells me that I need to slow down because it all doesn't have to be done in one day. I can't help it, it's how I am.

This morning I had to pick up Haldor and drop him off at the motorcycle repair shop so he could pick up his bike. While I was leaving there Gunnar called me to bring him some tools as his motorcycle broke down a couple miles from our house.

I made two trips the the grocery store because one didn't have what I needed for the pulled pork recipe I was making. My bathtub was draining slow once again so I worked on unclogging it and that's all I've accomplished today. It feels like I did nothing. I feel tired and sluggish.

Tomorrow I'm going to clean my garage, make another trip to the dump and get some touch up painting done around my house.

I am just hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. I've finally received my Ambien in the mail and I'm sleeping at Jeff's tonight. It's almost a guarantee that he will be waking me up during the night to tell me that I'm snoring.

So confused

2009-08-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

I checked out the company online that would like to interview me. Angie had sent me the posting and I responded to the ad without checking which city it was for. (The ad did not mention the city) but looking at it again it showed Seattle in the web address. I should have known better. It's in Seattle dammit! Mapquest says it's thirty nine minutes away but I'm sure Mapquest is not taking into consideration rush hour traffic. It would probably take me over an hour in bumper to bumper traffic. My life is too short to spend in traffic.

I also checked the Sounder commuter train. It leaves Tacoma (about 4 blocks from my old job) and drops me off .6 miles from this business. The problem with that is I would have to catch the train at 6:30am and not arrive home until 6:30pm.

I have no clue what to do. I haven't responded to his email yet. I've taken a look on Craigslist tonight and found four possible jobs I might be interested in. A couple of them were about what I was making. The other two didn't say but I'm thinking they should be no more than a dollar less.

I don't understand why I always have anxiety on Sundays. I think it's because I spend the weekend with Jeff and we always have such a good time. Then on Sunday morning he walks out the door and it begins.

On Friday Jeff and I took Gunnar out fishing with us. None of us caught anything we could actually keep and eat. We had a good time though.

On Saturday I went and bought a pole to fish the river with Gunnar this week. It's a pink and black pole. Jeff's mom asked if it had Cinderella or Tinker bell on it. No, it does not. Jeff is thinking he might take the day off to go with us.

Today I drove to Olympia to see Kjersti. She finished her quilt and is so proud of herself. Aydan was a little stinker today. Not really that bad but it was wearing on me. She is a much better mother than I was. She did mention that she would really love a day off from him. I know she would but I just can't handle it right now. I also know that if I take him overnight that she will freak out. They have a pretty big house with woods all in the back. It scares her to be alone and I'm sure she would probably be more scared with him gone.

I filed my unemployment today but got a message that I need to call the office because there is a question about the severance I entered. I think I may have messed things up. I filed the day I was fired. This past week and today I entered that I received a severance and entered an amount. I think I should have waited a week to file. I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I just hope I can get that straightened out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a massage/Chiropractic appointment. On Thursday I'm getting the last crown I've been putting off while I still have dental insurance. I've phoned my doctor and had her rewrite all my prescriptions so I can get three months through mail order. That should hold me for a bit.

I almost forgot! My sister and her partner invited us to dinner on Friday night. I didn't really care to go but I NEVER get invited. She had my mother and my mother's twin brothers over for dinner. I've been with Jeff for almost two years and they've only seen him about three times. I thought it would be nice for them to spend some time with him. He seemed comfortable and they seem to like him. On the way there he tells me that it feels like we're married. I think he totally meant that in a good way. I asked him if it was a good thing and he says yes, but he's much happier this time. That made me feel great.

Tomorrow I guess I'll be working on a cover letter. I don't know why but I am dreading that like the plague. I would almost pay someone to do it for me. Angie rewrote my resume and it looks fabulous.

Gosh, what a rambling post. My anxiety feels better though.

He told me so

2009-08-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am by nature an active person. You wouldn't know it by looking at me because I'm overweight. I hate to exercise unless I get into a routine and then I'm addicted. The kind of activity I enjoy is housework and yard work. When I am home I'm constantly on the move. I will take a break from time to time to check the computer but I'm pretty much constantly moving. I don't even know why I have a television because I hardly ever turn it on. All I need is a bathroom, kitchen and bedroom. I couldn't tell you the last time I sat in my living room.

My friends are constantly giving me crap about this. They say my house is too clean and my cars are too shiny.

I have been so busy this week doing things around Jeff's house. He came home last night and I showed him my finger. He immediately was waiting on me hand and foot. I got up to wash the dishes (another reason I can't marry him, he doesn't have or even want a dishwasher. Can you imagine that?) and he tells me to sit down. He told me that he really appreciates all I've been doing but it's making him nervous. I can't help it, I seem to have this endless amount of energy lately. I'm happy and keeping busy makes me happier. You can tell when I'm not feeling well emotionally, I get nothing accomplished.

Today I went home to my house and watered my yard and did a couple loads of laundry. Kjersti, Aydan and Haldor came over and we ran some of my errands. I packed all my stuff and headed back to Jeff's.

I told him I wanted to mow his lawn and he told me that I shouldn't with my finger the way it is. Did I listen to him? Of course not! I'm not sure if he's going to be happy or pissed about it. The good thing is he gets home in the dark so he won't notice until the morning.

Jeff also keeps telling me to take some time off, relax, collect unemployment and start looking for the perfect job in a few weeks. But he also keeps telling me that he knows me and I'll get a job too soon and wish that I had taken more time off.

My friend Angie has been sending me job postings from Craigslist. I told Jeff that I wouldn't even open a single one this week, that I would wait until next week. So on Monday I get a text message from Angie telling me to check my email. I did and it was for a job that looked pretty good. I thought what the heck, sent them my resume and forgot about it. I checked my email this afternoon and they replied asking if I would still be interested to please call for an interview. Dammit! I don't even want to tell this to Jeff!

I tell Gunnar about the posting and there's my unemployed son lecturing me on getting a job. He says I should be hitting it hard or I may miss a good job and then the next thing I know I'm out of work for nine months. He speaks from personal experience. I'm sitting there listening to him thinking WTF? I'm getting a lecture on the importance of working from my SON. I felt like I was a child and he was the father.

So anyway... I'm going to be calling this fellow tomorrow and discuss the job. The pay is the same amount I was making. I want to find out what kind of benefits if any, they have. I also want to know if they can keep me busy. I'm going to be honest with them. If I am not busy and have to look at the clock all day waiting to get off work then I don't want it!

Please tell me how this is possible?

2009-08-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have a question and I hope someone has the answer. Either from personal experience or can find the absolute authority on the internet.

My counterpart at work was hired after me. I knew that if either one of us would have to be let go it would be me because what she did was much more difficult than my duties. Mine could be taught to her much easier than hers taught to me. She is a good friend and I think that she feels badly that I no longer have a job but she does.

On Monday she could not sleep so she decided so smoke some pot (or whatever the kids call it these days). On Tuesday she was called in for drug testing. We get randomly tested all the time. There is a motorhome that comes to our work and if our name is called we have to march out there. They have already been there twice in the last month so I guess she thought she was safe.

Normally we never hear the results until we get our 'clean card' which is a stupid card that says we are drug free. Like I'm going to carry it in my wallet to show someone? Supposedly (I heard this from someone else at work) that they told her she passed today which was 24 hours after she took the test. They never tell us.

First off: I would have thought she would have tested positive seeing as it was less than 12 hours since she smoked.

Secondly: I'm wondering if they told her she passed because she is training the CFO how to do her duties and they are waiting until he's trained to let her go.

What's the next? Thirdly?: I was thinking that if she didn't pass that they would possibly let her go and call me to come back and I would have said NO WAY SUCKERS!

Lastly: Does anyone have any idea how the fuck she passed her piss test? Is it possible?

I need a job so I can get some rest

2009-08-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'm using only one hand to type this because I did something really stupid today. Would you please mind reading this really slow? It seems such a shame to take so much effort in typing it when it will be read just as quickly as if I was typing with two hands. Just humor me, okay?

I have been working my butt off. This unemployment stuff is hard work.

On Monday I mowed and fertilized my lawn and cleaned my house. I'm not sure why I clean because I'm never there. I go home, clean, and leave again.

On Tuesday I primed and painted the first coat on Jeff's porch. I started at 11:30am when he left for work and didn't finish until 8:30pm. I did take a break at three to eat a sandwich and talk to his mom on the phone.

He calls me on the way home from work saying that he has to pick up his cousin's son-in-law at the airport and he will be spending the night with us. I quickly cleaned the house and put a bra on. This young man was stationed in Hawaii and was just discharged from the Army. He was supposed to come in on Monday and someone else was going to pick him up. It was no problem though because Jeff drives right by the airport on the way home.

And let me tell you this; if I was in my twenties, I would so pack my shit and move to North Dakota. I think that's where all the hot guys are. Jeff's nephew is absolutely gorgeous and this guy (Zack) was smokin hot as well. And they are such genuine and down to earth people.

Zack needed a ride at the butt crack of dawn to pick up his car that was shipped here so he could get on the road and meet up with his family on their camping trip in Idaho before he went home for good to North Dakota. Seeing as Jeff isn't a morning person I volunteered. This morning I'm sitting on the sofa and he walks out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on, smiles at me and says "Good morning Sunshine". Now remember, I've just met this guy the night before and he's 22 years old. (Jamie says I should have 'accidentally' pulled off the towel!)

Today I paint the second coat on the porch and was going to head out to meet Gunnar to do some fishing. But guess what? I fucking painted myself into Jeff's house. The basement door is open but it can only be locked from the inside with a metal bar. I decide that if I'm going to be stuck here all day I might as well get the front door painted. It all looks fabulous. I sent pictures to Jeff's mom and she said she thinks he owes me a vacation, like maybe a trip to North Dakota! I think so too but what I'm going to get is fishing out on the boat and maybe a bike ride. I'm going to milk this for all it's worth.

Oh, and the one handed typing? I was putting all the painting shit away in the garage and reached up to close the garage door. You know how doors have sections that go together as you close the door? Well, let me tell you; fingers do NOT fit well in those cracks when the door is closed. I stood there for a minute trying to figure out what to do, oh yeah, open up the door! My fingers had these indentations and were white in some spots and purple in others. I iced them but they are looking quite a bit larger than the fingers on my other hand.

To top it all off, it's hotter than hell here again. Please remind me about this when it starts raining for weeks on end and I do nothing but bitch about it, okay?

The names have not been changed because they are far from innocent

2009-08-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about writing a post about my kid's names. I wonder if people think those are real or made up names. Today Green Eyed Momster mentioned their names. Yes, those are their real names. My ex-husband is 100% Norwegian.

When I was pregnant with Haldor my ex told me that if it was a boy he would be named after his father. It's also my ex's middle name. I didn't care for the name. I thought it was a great name for a man but didn't fit a child, much less an infant. Needless to say, I prayed for a girl. When I would take him places people would always ask his name then say 'What?' I would have to explain that he was named after his grandfather who died when my husband was six years old. Then I would have to explain his middle name; Berndt.

I got pregnant again. Now how can you have a Jacob or Michael when you have a Haldor Berndt? He let me name Anders... and Gunnar and Kjersti as well. Anders is the name of my ex's uncle. I had a hard time finding a middle name to go with Anders but I finally chose Theodore after my grandfather. When Anders was about six months old the ex told me that he hated the name Theodore. It reminded him of Ted Bundy who he went all through school with. Now he tells me!

When I was expecting for the third time I chose to go with someone on my side of the family seeing as the next boy in the elder Haldor and Anders' generations name was ALF. Uncle Alf is a lovely man but that was the same time the show Alf was on the air. The ex wanted Ole but we lived in Southern California at the time and I figured all those Mexicans would think it was Ole (can't find how to add the accent mark, but you know what I'm saying). My cousin was married to a Gunnar and I loved him and his name. Gunnar's middle name is Jerkovich which is my maiden name. One day he was in school and a classmate told him he was being a jerk. Gunnar told the kid to look at the roster. It had left off some of the letters so it said jerk. The kid was appalled that we would name Gunnar jerk. A side note: We used to call my grandmother Grandma Jerk. That's what my kids call my mom. It seems so normal to me.

I didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl that fourth time. She was a total surprise and it took me months to just get used to the fact that we were having another. The ex had a cousin named Chursty. I loved the name but didn't like the Americanized spelling. My aunt had traveled to Norway and brought me back a baby book. I found the correct spelling and that's how Kjersti got her name. Kjersti's middle name is Lynn which is also my sister's middle name.

So there you go, another boring post but hey, I'm unemployed and have nothing else to do!

Day one of the unemployed

2009-08-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

First off, I just have to ask; have you noticed how certain television programs have commercials geared toward certain viewers? Well, it seems that everyone that's home all day watching tv must be depressed. Every other commercial, I swear. But that's okay because it reminded me to take mine!

Yesterday Haldor and I drove down to see Kjersti. I was going to teach Kjersti how to make a quilt and Haldor was going to fix her computer. When we first got there Kjersti mentions that she doesn't have an iron. Haldor says 'let's go shopping!' and Kjersti asks him if his money is burning a hole in his pocket. He's always quick to hand out money.

As we are standing at the check out Haldor tells me that he called Anders and told him that he better start saving his money. Anders asks why and Haldor says because we may have to help out mom. I was doing so well but lost it right at the check stand at Fred Meyers. I think people must have thought I was nuts. I think I raised some compassionate children, who would have thunk?

Kjersti had a great time sewing. She is making a quilt for David's little sister. Haldor bought Aydan some tattoos at the store because he loves to spoil his nephew. Aydan spent the afternoon plastering us with tattoos. He wasn't impressed with my real tattoo. He likes his better. Jeff kind of raised his eyebrows at my new tats. The one on my shin bone (a little sideways piggy) is quite attractive.

Aydan showed us his 'big bike' riding skills before he and Haldor headed to the park. Kjersti and I had a little quiet time which we have not had in ages.

Kjersti fixed us a nice chicken dinner. Who knew? My daughter can cook!

I am taking Jeff's advice and spending time with my children. Tomorrow Gunnar and I are going salmon fishing on the shores of the Puyallup river. I've never fished on a river so it should be interesting. Bonding time with my baby son. Oh, I almost forgot! Gunnar paid the gas bill online last night. He told me to give him the utility (electric/water/garbage) when it comes in.

I fixed Jeff breakfast this morning before he left for work. It was nice to have some normalcy to my day. As soon as he walked out the door the anxiety began. I stood at the sink washing dishes thinking I wanted to puke. My cell phone chimes and he's sent a text message telling me he loves me, enjoy my time with my children and the sunny day. Then he sends another telling me to take his car for the day because it's more economical than mine. What did I ever do to deserve this man?

I know they say there are two absolutes; death and taxes. I also thought that would include hospitals and prisons. Not so. The state is looking at closing one of three prisons here. And guess what? Jeff's is one of three. We have discussed what we will do if that happens. If it does, it looks like we may be heading to North Dakota earlier than we thought. I tell ya, this economy sucks!

One door closes and another opens?

2009-08-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm back and I think I'm going to be fine. I took two Xanax yesterday just to get the constant crying to subside. I slept so soundly that I didn't even hear Jeff trying to get me to stop snoring last night. He figured I deserved a good night's sleep so he moved to the guest bed. I almost cried once today but I think I'm over it.

For ten years I worked as a bookkeeper for a fairly large (450 stores) drug store chain. I loved my job. I looked forward to going to work each day and I had some wonderful co-workers. When they announced they were closing all of the stores in our district which included Washington and Oregon I don't think any of us were really all that shocked. I had my resume ready. I was off the day they announced the closing and my manager called me at home. I called my husband, cried for about two minutes and got onto Craigslist. Within an hour I had a return phone call and an appointment set up for an interview. The next day I was hired and they agreed to wait for me for five weeks while I shut down the store which allowed me to receive my $13,000 severance package.

I went to work doing accounts payable for a family owned commercial electrical contractor. They have been in business since 1961. The pay was better, the hours were great. The benefits package was awesome.

My new co-workers have had a hand in some major changes I made in my life. As I've mentioned previously, Angie gave me the wakeup call I needed to leave my husband. Sandy helped me every step of the way with my divorce papers. We downloaded the papers from the internet and she helped me fill them all out. She saved me thousands of dollars in attorney fees. When my hormones were all out of whack and I was a crazy and almost suicidal bitch, Chrysta referred me to my wonderful new doctor. I did something really stupid that almost cost me my relationship with Jeff. Jamie took it upon herself to email Jeff and ask him to give me another chance. I owe her so much. I owe all these woman so much. I'm going to miss them.

This company has been in business for years. They are strong and profitable but things have changed. I once was processing $1,700,000.00 in invoices a month. The past few months it's been close to $400,000.00. At my previous job I was used to being busy and constantly on the move. At my new job I was spending too many days TRYING to look busy. I spent lots of time on the internet and I was so bummed when they blocked blogspot!

There were too many mornings that I woke up thinking that I would rather stay at home and actually get something accomplished. I said to myself quite often and even the morning I was let go that I wished that they would just put me out of my misery. If I quit, I wouldn't get unemployment. I totally forgot that if I was let go I was also going to lose my health insurance.

So, when my boss asked me to come into his office on Friday, my heart sunk. I knew it was coming but it was still a shock. I am going to be okay financially. What really scares the shit out of me is the health insurance.

Jeff has been so wonderfully supportive. He's telling me to relax, take some time off, get my head straight and collect some unemployment. I've been getting e-mails from friends and old co-workers telling me the same. And that's just what I'm going to do. I'm not even going to look for a job for at least a week.

I am a little concerned. I'm pretty sure that I will be taking at least a thirty percent pay cut. I went from three weeks of vacation to two with this last job. I'll probably find a job that will only give me one for the first year. I am expecting that things will not be as good as they have been in the past. But I still have things to be thankful for. I have no mortgage payment. I have no debt and I have enough money in the bank that I could probably live without a job for the next six months.

The first thing Haldor asked was how he could help. I told him a free meal from time to time would be nice! Gunnar has also stepped up to the plate. He wants to know how much the monthly utilities are and says he will help me out.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life.

I've joined the masses, thank goodness for Xanax.

2009-08-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Today is a very emotional day for me. I think I'm still in shock.

I was let go from my job today. That's all I can say for now. I need to go have a pity party. I'll be back later when I can form a thought.

It's times like this that make me so proud

2009-08-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today is Gunnar's 23rd birthday. Every year for a few short months my kids are all two years apart. They are currently 21, 23, 25 and 27. It's been a long and treacherous road at times but they have grown up and I am proud of them all.

I guess Gunnar took his grandmother's advice and decided to party with the best of us. He rode his motorcycle down to Olympia and I headed down after work. Kjersti and I ran to the store while Uncle Gunnar stayed at home with Aydan. We picked up a take-and-bake pizza, salad, cake and ice cream.

I bought Kjersti and David a lawn mower this year but Kjersti's allergies are so bad that it makes her miserable to mow. I mowed half the yard while Gunnar cooked his birthday pizza. She was out of gas so I left her some cash to buy some gas tomorrow. Hopefully she can take an allergy pill and finish the rest.

Kjersti wants to make a quilt to send to David in Iraq. Last Sunday when we went shopping I bought her a sewing machine. I am going to spend the day with her this Sunday teaching her how to sew. I must have failed her as a mother. She had never mowed the lawn before and she doesn't know how to use a sewing machine. She had three brothers and besides, the lawn was always a pleasure for me. My ex bought me a really nice mower one year for my birthday and Gunnar and I used to argue over who GOT to mow the lawn.

All three boys learned how to sew. Anders made his own pajama bottoms. He also learned how to crochet. Kjersti was just never interested. This will be a good time to spend some quality time with her.

My ex is a Witness but he even sent Gunnar a happy birthday text today. We were all shocked and I could tell that it really meant a lot to Gunnar. Haldor sent him a text as well. Of course Anders won't but I'm sure he's thinking about his brother today.

They are pretty good kids. They all like each other and spend time together. What more could I ask for? Oh, just one thing.... could Gunnar PLEASE move out soon?

Turning a positive into a negative

2009-08-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Gunnar's birthday. My mother told me she was going to send him a card but she wasn't going to send him any money. She gets pissed when she doesn't get thank you notes which I totally understand. The kids couldn't care less if she sends money. I told her not to bother.

So today he gets her card in the mail. She usually buys her cards at the dollar store but she went all out for Gunnar. It's a 99cent Hallmark card that looks like it's meant for a ten year old. She even wrote a little note to Gunnar. It says "Please use common sense on celebrating". WTF? He's going to be 23. He's not celebrating his twenty-first and heading to the bars. Actually what he really wants to do is have dinner with Kjersti, Aydan and me but I'm so glad that she thought to tell him to use common sense otherwise who knows what he might be doing.

(P.S. to Suzie Q: If you see her please don't mention Kjersti's marriage. I haven't decided when I will tell her. Maybe never!)

He's Iraq bound and I'm a mess

2009-08-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

My son-in-law David left for Iraq this morning. You didn't know I had a son-in-law? Yeah, I didn't either until last week when Haldor told me that Kjersti and David got married. That's two children now that have gotten married without my knowledge.

Anders got married in Hawaii. That was back when we were broke and could not afford to attend. Anders called me about two months before the wedding and begged me to come. He said he didn't care if his father was there but he really wanted me to be there with him. The ex said no way were we going to charge a vacation. They had a reception when they returned and did a beautiful slide show. We got home that night and he said that he really should have let me go. I will never forgive him for that.

Haldor married 'Psycho Bitch from Hell' about a week before Anders. Kjersti let it slip. He told me the other day that it was the biggest mistake of his life. I said that obviously if you have to hide it from your parents it's the wrong thing to do. He told me I can pick out his next wife. I've got to get on that. He's a fantastic person and deserves nothing but the best.

Kjersti and David got engaged last month while they were on vacation. She was still pissed at me over the airport thing and I think that's why she didn't invite me. I finally spoke with her the other day and she said that they wanted to get married before he deployed but will have a big wedding in Michigan when he gets back. She said she wanted her dad to come to the court house one because she knew that he wouldn't travel to Michigan and he also wouldn't come if I was there. She also told me that she wants Jeff to give her away. I don't think that's such a good idea. She said her second choice is Haldor which is much more appropriate. They have always been close and it would be very touching.

David is a fantastic father to Aydan. Aydan loves him and it's so sweet how they interact. David is a disciplinarian which is just what Aydan needs. Her brother's aren't real thrilled with David. They think he's controlling and I think he might be as well. I've learned with Haldor that you have to keep your mouth shut and be supportive. I should have learned it long before that when my family didn't like my choice in husbands. What I really should have learned was to follow their advice but they did come to like him and the marriage did last twenty eight years. Even despite what the priest said. He told my aunt the marriage would never last. He refused to marry us and my father would not attend unless it was the Catholic church. We ended up getting married in the court house.

Kjersti sent me a message today that David was on the bus on the way to the airport. I sent him a message telling him good luck, be safe and hope that the time flies quickly. I started balling as I hit send. I then called Kjersti and invited her and Aydan to come over for the day. Maybe this year will give us the opportunity to get close again.

I want my daughter and grandson to be happy. If she is, then it doesn't matter if we like him or not. He is far superior to any guy she has been with in the past. I just hope that he does stay safe and hurry home. I cannot imagine living without someone I love for a whole year.

It's almost certain that if I like it, he doesn't

2009-08-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've been busy lately. And extremely frustrated with Jeff. I've heard people say that building a house or remodeling adds tremendous stress to a relationship. I was just trying to get Jeff to pick a freaking color for his house and I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Jeff's parents came over to Eastern Washington for a family wedding. Jeff has been talking about painting his house for months. His parents offered to drive another five hours and help him if he wanted their help. He was so stressed out about it that he was about to tell them to forget it. I love the man but he's a major procrastinator. I finally called his dad and begged them to come.

So they arrive on Monday. I scheduled a vacation day on Wednesday to help paint. It took three days of prepping and repairing things so I spent most of Wednesday driving back and forth to Home Depot to get little paint sample jars. We had NINE different colors on the house and he still could not decide. It wasn't like he had his mind set on blue but couldn't find the right blue. Oh no, we had blue, yellow, brown, tan, green and aqua.

Every time I liked something he didn't. And vice versa.

I love his parents but they are the passive aggressive type. They were very subtly giving their opinion as well. And of course, it was different than mine. I finally vowed to keep my mouth shut or I was going to lose it. We get into bed Wednesday and he asks my opinion on color. I was silent. He told me I was being mean. I told him that I gave my fucking opinion all day long and no one cared to listen. And I got really pissed when he said "whaa whaa, poor Julie". Not a good thing to say to me.

I went to work on Thursday with a major headache. For once I was thankful to be at work because I was sick and tired of talking paint colors. I went to Jeff's after work and when I drove up I could not believe the color he had chosen. Cucumber crush. I think it was then that I decided that I will never get married again. I'll keep my house and I'll paint mine whatever I damn well chose. And I can promise you it won't be a bright green.

He still hadn't picked out a trim color so he begged me to go to Home Depot with him. And he let me pick the color. It actually looks pretty good once it all was completed.

It's done and he's thrilled. I'm happy for him but I'm wondering if I can ever live with a indecisive procrastinator.

We've died and gone to hell?

2009-07-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

It is hotter than hell here today. At least this is what I imagine hell to be like.

I called my elderly neighbors and told them to go to my house and cool down while I was at work if they like. The wife told me that if I was there right then she would hug me. I just spoke with her husband and he said she came over and took a two hour nap. The walk over here almost killed her with the heat and the fact that she's on oxygen.

When I got in my car to head home from work the temp said it was 108. It is 117 in my backyard right now. My house is a very cool 76.

I went to Jeff's at 9pm last night and after two hours with the help of four ceiling fans, two box fans and two other fans I got his house from 93 to 85. We actually slept pretty well. Today it's much warmer so I told him no fucking way am I going to his house tonight. He's not comfortable sleeping with Gunnar here but the invitation is open. I'm going to be sleeping like a baby.

One of the guys at work stayed in a hotel last night. I have offered my spare room to whomever wants it but everyone says no. When they are all bitching tomorrow how hot they are I'll just smile.

Drugs, sex and ice packs

2009-07-27T22:18:00.001-07:00

It was 95 degrees today. I love the sunshine but I’m not too fond of the heat. This is Washington for goodness sakes. It’s not supposed to be hot here. I have my central air set at 78 degrees and the thing is running nonstop.

I think it’s great that Jeff gets his chores done on Friday while I’m at work so we can have Friday night and all of Saturday to play. That leaves me with Sunday to do my chores. It works out okay if I didn’t overdo it on Sundays and then be at work in pain for the next three days. He has Saturday to rest up but I don’t get a rest day. I wish my doctor was as free with the Percocet and he is with the Xanax. I’ve gotten sixty in the past few months but then took that as a ticket to overdo it again. Jeff has back problems as well so he slips me a few pills from time to time. I think what I really need to do is go back to physical therapy and strengthen my core muscles again. Or get another cortisone shot. Or take a trip to Canada and get some drugs. If I’m having this many problems now what am I going to feel like in another twenty years?

I stayed at his house Saturday night and fixed him breakfast before he went to work on Sunday morning. I got home at noon and mowed my lawn in 90 degree heat. I had borrowed Jeff’s pressure washer so I spent the whole day (7 hours) working in my yard and pressure washing every bit of concrete around my house. I also pressure washed most of my gutters and some of my house. I could not walk when I was done. My first mistake was taking the pain pills WHILE I was working instead of AFTER.

My neighbor with the incredible hearing came over and mentioned that he would like to have his walkway and driveway pressure washed as well. I was going to let him use Jeff’s washer but I really owe this man. When I go on vacation he waters my yard and gets my mail. He has a key to my house and has always been available when I’ve needed him. I’ve known him since 1975 when my sister first bought this house. We get along great other than the fact that he likes to bitch about my new six foot fence. The poor man can’t see into my back yard anymore, which is just as well because he would have gotten an eyeful last weekend when Jeff and I were out in the back yard on a blanket at midnight. He’s 80, he probably would have had a heart attack.

After working all day in the yard, showering and grocery shopping at 9pm, I was ready for bed. Gunnar asks me at 11pm if I can take him to work today. Sure, I don’t mind getting up at 5am. I got five whole hours of sleep last night. After work I went to get a massage and adjusted at the Chiropractor’s. I started pressure washing at the neighbor’s at 6:30pm and didn’t stop until 8:30pm. I still have about another hour of work to do tomorrow. I think I undid all the benefit I got at the Chiropractor’s today. I took half of a Percocet and now I’m making friends with the ice pack. It’s 10pm and 78 degrees in my back yard right now. I think an ice pack is just what the doctor ordered.

I said I would never do this

2009-07-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

I said I would never write one of these 25 things about me but I have to admit I love reading what other people have to say. So here is mine.

1. I carry a mini recorder in my bra when I visit my mother so I can prove to my friends how mean she can be. When I forget is when she says the mean and nasty things to me. How does she know?

2. I have three kidneys. I’ve known since I was six years old.

3. When I was married I had sex once every three months. Now it’s three times a week. (I know, TMI)

4.I always thought I was adopted. I still wonder sometimes. It would explain so much.

5.I love most people and I love them fiercely.

6.I change my own oil. Because I can!

7. Raising children was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

8. I want to get married someday and this time I want a proper proposal.

9. I’ve taken anti-depressants most of my adult life.

10. I loved my last job so much I could not wait to go to work each day. Sick huh?

11. I have a good friend whom I met online in the early 90’s, speak to on the phone but still have not met face to face. I’m going to change that in the next year.

12. I have a fear of earthquakes and hate to stop under overpasses.

13. Leaving San Diego and moving back to Washington was one of the saddest times of my life.

14. I suck at English and grammar but love to write.

15. I once was addicted to the internet.

16. As I child I had major separation anxiety when I was away from my mother. Now I have to take a Xanax just to be around her.

17. I have oodles of Xanax and I share freely with anyone that asks.

18. When I find an author I like I read every book they’ve written.

19. You hurt my child and I will hurt you.

20. My house and trucks are so clean that my friends give me endless shit about how anal I am. I vacuum just to see the lines in the carpet.

21. I had my appendix removed when I was eight months pregnant with my fourth child.

22. I sleep so soundly you could remove all the furniture from my house and I would never hear you.

23. My mother doesn’t know I have a tattoo and I’m too afraid to tell her.

24. I sewed the majority of my children’s clothes when they were small because I enjoyed it.

25. I feel guilty every time I have to take a drug test (which can be quarterly if my name comes up) and have absolutely nothing to hide.

Spewing can be such an ugly thing

2009-07-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

It’s been difficult at times but I have vowed never to write about my job on my blog. I’ve met Heather B. Armstrong in the flesh and I know that ‘dooced’ can now be found on urbandictionary .com (I have a signed copy of her book on my nightstand.) I know that writing about my work and getting fired is not going to bring in the major bucks she makes. So let me just tell you this; I have this ‘friend’ and for the sake of ease, let’s call her Judy.

Judy has a pretty nice job. Her pay is much better than her last job, she gets a handsome yearly bonus and the company she works for pays over $900 a month for her medical insurance premiums. This company has a fully stocked refrigerator of bottled water and just about any brand of soda a person could desire. They also bring in fresh doughnuts, croissants, scones, etc daily. More importantly (because isn’t comfort more important than health insurance?) if she was so inclined she could wear shorts, flip flops and tank tops to work. Personally, I like the flip flops and tank tops because you will not catch me ever out in public in shorts.

A little background before I get to Judy’s story.

Before I was married my parents took my ex-husband aside and told him that I hate confrontation and I refuse to argue. They told him that instead I will just walk away. That was basically true and still is today. I suppose it’s partially what led to the demise of my marriage. I also suppose I didn’t do my kids any justice by not teaching them how a healthy relationship works.

Jeff is great at talking things out without any anger or saying something he will regret. We’ve had some great talks. He tells me that it can even be done without tears (imagine that) but I’ve yet to find that out. I’m an emotional person and it is just so very difficult to discuss things which I feel are uncomfortable. I’m the person that holds it inside until it comes spewing out. I don’t like spewing, it scares the shit out of me. What if I spew on someone and then they decide they don’t love me anymore?

Judy and I have a lot in common. We are quite close, actually. We’re like this.

Judy has a co-worker (we will call her Fern) to whom she used to be quite close. Fern is a single parent with two children. She makes very little money and has a little help from the government for housing. Judy has helped this co-worker in the past, bringing her firewood, taking her daughter to buy school clothes and buying her lunch occasionally. Now, I realize that we all have different priorities and choose to spend our money differently. Judy has basic cable (13 channels) and opted for the free cell phone when she needed a new one. Fern has the fancy ass cable shit with DVR and also has a blackberry with internet access. Fern even spent part of her Christmas bonus to buy herself an iPod. All while she owed other co-workers money.

Fern’s daughter is thirteen and she is a little bitch to her mother. Fern has had many issues this school year getting daughter up and off to school. So much so that the boss gave her a warning about being late to work. She would drag her very unhappy ass to work and didn’t have to say a word because everyone could read her emotions right there on her face. Fern was on the verge of a breakdown. What Fern did about it was ship little bitch off to the east coast for the summer for someone else to deal with her. Fern needed the break, we will all admit that. The little bitch, I mean daughter has been having the summer of her life. She got her hair highlighted, nose pierced, and trips to the boardwalk, the Crayola factory, you name it. Fern has seemed to have forgotten all about the near mental breakdown of the past year. She is busy decorating the bitch’s room as a surprise for her. Granted she’s been shopping at Goodwill and garage sales but this woman can barely afford gas to get to work. Little bitch gets to act like a bitch and be rewarded. Judy and her other co-workers are sick and tired of hearing about little bitch.

Today Judy was pushed to the spew level. Oh yeah, she spewed and it was ugly. Judy hurt Fern’s feelings but dammit, she was right. Now Judy is remembering why it’s just smarter to bite your tongue and not say a word.

I did not divorce my kids, just their father the fucker

2009-07-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

The last time I saw my ex-husband was two years ago on a day when I knew I was going to run into him at Gunnar and Kjersti’s house. I showed up with my divorce papers for him to sign. I know it was a really shitty thing to do but he wasn’t speaking to me. The only other way I could get the papers to him was to mail them. He grabbed them from me and asked where to sign. He didn’t even look at them. He did look at me and asked if I had met anyone. I had just met Jeff and was so happy at the time (I still am) and I swear I could not keep this huge grin off of my face when I told him yes, I met someone. I knew it was inappropriate at the time but I could not help smiling. It was like getting the giggles at a funeral. It was that bad.

Things have come up from time to time over the past two years. I have had to call him a few times and of course he won’t answer but I leave him a message anyway. He never responds but usually sends a message through the kids. It isn’t cool to put your kids in that position. I know that he’s spoken badly of me to the kids but I have vowed to never say a bad word about him. They don’t need to hear it.

Eleven years ago his sister’s son was sent to prison for molesting my boys. He originally received six months in jail and 13 years probation. He violated his parole within the first 18 hours of release. When they took him in for a lie detector test they found that he was using a computer and also had pornography in his possession. The judge looked at him and told him that he had his warning and didn’t heed it. He was going away for the next 13 years. He was not scheduled to be released for another year and a half.

On Monday I received a registered letter from the Department of Corrections. It stated that piece of shit nephew is working with the DOC to develop a release plan. It also stated that the proposed release address is his mother’s house. She lives on the outskirts of that same little town that my family all lives in. I don’t have a problem with the address. I figured that would be where he would eventually end up. I just thought I had at least another year to worry about it. Seeing as Jeff works for the DOC I asked him if I was receiving a letter about this now did that mean he’s scheduled for an early release. He said yes, thanks to our Governor, there will be lots of early releases to save money. I called today to verify that I will be notified again when he is actually released. They informed me that yes, I will.

So what to do? Do I tell the boys now and let them stew about it or do I wait until I have a date? I called my ex, left a message asking his opinion and guess what? He never responded. I sent that text against my better judgment. I do things like that a lot. I hit send and then the remorse sets in. I told Jamie that I really wanted to send him another text and say ‘listen up fucker, these are our kids and we need to discuss this’. Or maybe just a text that said ‘fuck you’. I couldn’t decide but Jamie and I were both on agreement that the ‘f’ word was absolutely appropriate. I told her I would think about it through my lunch hour and then decide.

This is what I decided. I called Anders and Haldor and told them about the letter. After thinking about it I thought it would be better than calling them the day he got out and springing the news on them. This way they will have some time to mentally prepare. They both took the news very well. Much better than I did actually, or at least it appears that they took it well. A lot has happened in the past 11 plus years. They have gotten educations, great jobs, moved and married. And in Haldor’s case, divorced.

Gunnar is in Alaska and working 18 hour days. The only way to contact him is through text messaging and I don’t think it’s appropriate in this case. I’m more worried about him than the other boys. Gunnar is a sensitive soul. I’m not sure that he’s going to take this news well.

(The funny thing? I got a phone call tonight from an investigator looking for my ex-daughter-in-law. It seems she’s involved in some fraud case. I laughed out loud when he told me. I said is it the numerous credit cards she opened in Haldor’s name or his checks that she made out to her self and tried to cash? Yeah, she’s ruined his credit big time and he’s spent tons of money paying off her bills just trying to keep his credit clean. I knew she was a bitch from the moment I laid eyes on her. There was no love lost between the two of us. )

And this is what I decided to do with my ex. I will not contact him EVER AGAIN. I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am happy. I love my life and the people in it. He’s a miserable piece of shit so I am going to let him hold on to his anger and self-pity. He deserves it. If I call him a fucker I am only bringing myself down to his level. I’m better than that. I know that it takes two to make or break a marriage, but let me ask you this; don’t you think you might want to do a little self reflection when you have been married and divorced THREE times? Yeah, I think so too.

I'm a shitty mother as well.

2009-07-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Today is my mother’s birthday. No, this will not be a long, mushy blog like the one I did for my father. (It’s going to be very random, so hold on)

I planned on coming home from work, grabbing a bite, downing a Xanax - or two - and taking my gift to my mother. When I called her I told her happy birthday and then asked if I could come over. She said no. It seems she is going to dinner with my sister and her partner, my brother and his wife and my nephew. She did mention I could come but she had no idea where they were going. She didn’t sound like she really wanted me to come anyway. I wanted to ask why no one thought of calling me, but I already know the answer. THEY DON”T CARE.

I took the Xanax anyway.

Anders’ wife Michelle totaled their new car last week. I let Anders take my Ranger until they find a replacement. I don’t like to drive my Yukon to work because I have to park under power lines and I always end up with bird poop all over the hood. When I drive the Ranger I might get one hit a week. Today I got five huge splatters on the hood and bumper. Damn birds. Seeing as I have all this free time tonight (not seeing my mother) I washed it. And I’m sure I’ll be doing the same thing tomorrow night as well.

Did you know that you can learn lots of things about your kids while being their facebook and MySpace friends? Nothing earth shattering but sometimes interesting.

I learned the other day that Haldor now has the iphone app for MySpace. I’m not sure why seeing as he never posts anything. He’s not a bulletin whore like some people on MySpace. Really people, there is no need to post a bulletin that you posted new pictures. It comes up when I go to my home page. And if you tell me to go look at them and comment, guess what? I won’t. So there.

I also learned that my precious freedom is about to end. Gunnar posted on his MySpace that he’s going to be home this week. Hopefully it’s not another 3:30am flight. He didn’t have any choice in the matter but I really don’t care to run to Seattle and back in the middle of the night. I could have spent that two hours sleeping.

I used to know Kjersti’s mood by the hour when she was on MySpace. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed when she and David deleted their accounts. It was nice to see pictures of Aydan but it drove me nuts that I knew every time she was pissed at David. I wanted to call her on many occasions and tell her to get off the damn computer and go communicate with the guy. Oh, and they are now officially engaged.

Speaking of Kjersti and shitty mothers; I think I am one. Kjersti went to Michigan to see David’s family at Christmas. They had a friend set to pick them up from the airport. This friend bailed and she called me at midnight to see if I could pick her up. My back was bothering me and I had taken a pain pill. Jeff told me that I could not go. I think Haldor ended up picking them up.

She left for Michigan again the same day I went to North Dakota. The person that was supposed to take them bailed again. She’s calling me all freaked out (she’s a major drama queen) saying that they may have to cancel their trip if they can’t get to the airport. I was leaving before her but I offered to leave some money on Jeff’s porch so she could pay a friend. They live 45 minutes south of me and I’m another half hour south of the airport. It’s a big deal to give her a ride. It’s not like it’s on anyone’s way. Anders had the day off so he said he would do it then had car trouble. They are calling me while I’m trying to enjoy my vacation. They finally ended up borrowing my Yukon so he could take them. Anders lives about an hour north of Seattle. He spent about four hours in the car taking them to the airport.

When I got home last week I asked Kjersti when they were coming home. She said they had another week there. I told Jamie all week that I should just call and find out what time they were arriving. I just knew that Kjersti was going to call me at the last minute and ask for a ride.

So here is the shitty mother part. She called me Saturday at 3:30pm from Los Angeles asking if I would pick them up at 6pm. I asked her why they didn’t plan this earlier and she said their ride bailed on them. I told her that maybe she should pick the most reliable person first to ask for a ride. She got all upset and started crying. I told her to stop crying and she hung up on me.

If Jeff had not been sick I would have been out of town myself. As it was, I could have done it but it pissed me off that she didn’t care enough to ask me so I could schedule it. They ended up taking a bus (three actually) to her father’s house. He had to borrow Anders’ car to drive them home at 11pm. I wouldn’t feel so bad except they had Aydan with them. So that’s it. I’m a shitty mother and I feel just awful about it. It’s partially her father’s and my fault. The kids were so used to us dropping everything for them. Of course, we really had no social life so it’s not like we were doing anything anyway. But times have changed. She’ll calm down and forget all about it with time. Me? I’m not so sure, it’s been two days and I’m still sick to my stomach.

Google scares me but I need help with my navel.

2009-07-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Kim, I put Sitemeter on my blog. In case you didn’t detect the sarcasm, it was totally there. (And thanks to her, I can now link!) I knew nothing about it until she mentioned it one day. I thought what the heck, I’ll try it. Well, let me tell you, there are some crazy ass fucks out there. I’m happy to say that none of them live in the good Ol’ USA. You see, Sitemeter tells you what someone put into Google Search that directed them to your page. Did you know that people actually search for ‘kid’s pussy’? Yes, it makes me sick to my stomach. A few have even found me while searching for ‘good looking boobs’ which doesn’t bother me quite as much. I’m a curious person and would really like to see how I come up in the search but I’m terrified of someone watching me and also, I really don’t want to see any, thank you very much.

I told Jamie all about this and now I have her scared half to death of Google. I was telling her the other day about Jeff’s Aunt Betty. I thought it was all Jamie’s obsession but I guess it’s mine as well. We like to talk about poop. I think it’s what attracted us to Dooce. All that poop talk she did in the early days. Anyway, Aunt Betty saw me taking Metamucil while on vacation and we got on the subject of poop. She told me that sometimes she has to put her thumb (or maybe it was finger?) into her vagina and push back to get the poop out. Of course, I was just dying to tell Jamie about this. She immediately wanted to Google it but then remembered that someone would see what she typed. Sandy, another girl at work said to put in ‘vaginal pressure to aid bowel movements’ like that would be better. We opted to call Sandy’s sister who is a nurse. She said that yes, it’s true, it does work. She later called Sandy and said WTF? Hey, work gets boring, what can I say?

Big brother is watching and I have a question for Google. It’s kind of embarrassing but I don’t personally know anyone that reads this anyway. Well, there is one person, my friend Sue. She is the only ‘real’ person in my life that knows about my blog. She likes my writing and now that she no longer has a myspace she says she misses my blog. I’m really not that funny. She’s the hilarious one. But whatever floats her boat. (She had a really nice boat, by the way.) She’s here lurking. I know that because I have Sitemeter. Maybe someday she will start her own blog and post a comment on mine. Where was I? Oh, the embarrassing question that I would probably tell Sue about if we still worked together. I am a clean person. I brush my teeth a minimum of 4 times a day. I shower at least daily and many times if it’s warm out or it’s hump day (wink, wink Peach Tart) twice a day. So today for some reason I scratch my navel and, this is really embarrassing but I smelled my finger. IT STINKS! I so want to Google ‘how to get rid of stinky navel’ but I can’t. Excuse me while I go put some bleach on a Q-Tip.

I’m not a true blonde so I really have no excuse.

2009-07-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

As I grow older I am getting more gullible. I’ve always been a trusting person so if you tell me something to be true, I believe it. It’s just that I believe more unbelievable shit as time goes on. Jeff’s brother Wade told me that their parents have a water softener system (which they do) and that it takes longer to freeze the water because it’s so soft. I looked at him for a second and he started laughing. Yes, I believed it for a split second. Or maybe it just took longer for my brain to process that statement.

Jeff went out fishing a few weeks ago with his friend Bill. Jeff and I had gone the day before and caught nothing. Jeff sends me a picture message of Bill holding a huge salmon. I run around the office showing everyone the picture. Jeff also said Bill caught it with MY POLE! For a moment I think that the picture looks familiar but my brain does not register the familiarity. Within minutes my phone is ringing; it’s Jeff laughing his ass off. That was the picture of the fish Bill caught (and he sent me) last year! I was too embarrassed to go tell everyone it was a false alarm.

Anders is my computer geek. He’s taught me a lot about computers and always says how proud he is of me. I have learned a lot since we started out with our first computer in the 90’s. Anyone remember Windows 3.1? It was constantly needing to be tweaked. One thing I don’t know how to do is to attach a link to a person’s name. I’m sorry Kim. It’s just that I’m challenged. I know how to cut and paste.

Yesterday Jamie brought her two neighbors over to give me an estimate on replacing some siding and some other odd jobs around here. They are both out of work, in need of money and I just happen to have some! Jamie is 27, her neighbors are 28 and 33. I’m old enough to be their mother. So, we’re sitting there and somehow got on the topic of text messaging. I did not realize that you can hold the key down and the number will pop up. Did you know that the ‘1’ is also the period? I swear I did not know that. I always have to take about four extra steps to get into the symbols.

And speaking of age; how the hell can you be a post-menopausal fifty-one year old and still get zits? That was a rhetorical question; I don’t need anyone giving me some far-fetched answer that I would probably believe.

Hump day, time to shave the legs

2009-07-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

The week is half over, thank goodness. It's actually been a good week at work because of being gone for the past 10 days the work has really piled up. I actually have something to do other than surf the internet all day. While I was on vacation Jamie texted me to tell me that half the blogs we read during the day are now blocked. Damn! We figured out that they must have upped the 'potty mouth' filter because all the blogs that mentioned penis or vagina in them are now blocked. (Even mine is blocked) And those were all the good blogs. Now I have to run home at the end of the day just to read what Kim has posted. I guess now we'll have to do what they pay us to do.

I have not seen Jeff since Saturday night. I'm heading over to clean his house then do a little hair removal. I have not shaved my legs since Saturday and they are gross. He wants a little surprise waiting for him when he gets home. I have a drawer full of nighties over there. I just have to figure out which one will cover the most fat on my stomach but still look alluring.

Don't believe what they tell you, they DO have accents.

2009-07-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I went to North Dakota last week for his family reunion. Guess what? The most wonderful man on earth with the most wonderful parents also has a very cool brother and sister-in-law and extended family. They are all so warm and friendly, I didn't know I was going to be doing so much hugging. They really are a bunch of happy people and it was refreshing to be around them all. One cousin mentioned my accent. I told her that they had the accent, not me. After awhile I was saying some words just like them. It was hilarious.

I wish I had a dollar for each time someone welcomed me to the family. I responded that it was a little premature but thanks. A number of them mentioned that we did go to Las Vegas. I thought Las Vegas was for sight seeing and gambling. I didn't realize that it was just for getting married.

We arrived on Thursday morning and Jeff’s brother Wade and his wife Melanie picked us up. Jeff’s mom was so excited for us to arrive so I sent her text message telling her our plane was late and Wade didn’t pick us up. She immediately called Wade and he totally threw me under the bus. He told her it was all my idea to trick her. She got a good laugh out of it. Jeff told me later that Wade said I was “all that”. Believe me when I tell you I’m not bragging, I’m just a girl with low self-esteem. It makes me feel good when his friends and family say they like me.

In my opinion the best part of the vacation was when Jeff's childhood friend Lance let us use his old (2006) Harley and took us on a 120 mile ride/tour of the area. He gave me a ride on his brand new Harley, it was a little uncomfortable for me, I just met the guy and I have my chest smashed against his back. We stopped at the buffalo reserve, then for lunch, saw the wind farms, rode some more then stopped for ice cream. I took 71 pictures and got some great shots. I’m getting really good at taking pictures while he’s driving. When I was shopping at the Harley store in Jamestown Lance asked Jeff how old I was. Jeff told him to guess and he said 45. Jeff told him I was 51 and I wear him out and that he can’t keep up with me. Lance told him I seemed a little wild and that I was awesome. Ok, maybe I’m bragging now.

Jeff's parents gave me a beautiful gold and diamond bracelet for my birthday. I didn't expect it but it was a very nice gesture. It's something I will treasure forever.

It was a wonderful and much needed vacation. Next year we are planning a trip to Sturgis. Lance and his wife are coming out to Vancouver, Canada and will drop down and pick us up and ride out with us. I think next year may even be better than this year.

Last day of vacation

2009-07-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

Today is essentially my last day of vacation because it's Jeff's last day. I still have tomorrow off but I have not been home in over two weeks so I'll be busting my butt doing yard work, laundry and cleaning house. I literally do not remember the last time I slept in my own bed.

Gunnar is back in Alaska working which means I'm all alone tonight. It feels strange being here alone.

I have great vacation stories and pictures but no time now to post. We took a long bike ride today for our last day of freedom from work. Jeff told me to pick a destination and to just tell him which way to go. He didn't want to have any clue as to where we were going. We had discussed Mt. St. Helens or Vashon Island. I decided on Belfair and Hood Canal. I didn't realize that he'd never been there so it was a nice surprise for him.

On the way we stopped at a bar that had hundreds of bikers and stuff going on. Here are a few pictures. Check out this guy's ass. We both thought he was a woman from the back. I suppose I should black out their faces but they weren't worried about flaunting it all today.

I don't know why I never thought of putting electrical tape over my nipples.

I'm taking my fishing pole back and telling them it doesn't work

2009-06-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I went fishing today. I caught three dog fish and Jeff caught four. There was no salmon to be found. I guess if I want salmon for dinner I will have to go buy it at the grocery store.

Here is my new fishing pole. I told Jeff I'm taking it back because it doesn't work!

The weather was beautiful. It was a very peaceful day. Don't I look relaxed?

The captain relaxing. We kept singing the song On A Boat.

This is Shenanigans. It's a restaurant on the waterfront. This is where Jeff and I had our first date. We also had our first kiss right there in the parking lot. Yeah, I'm cheap and easy. I kiss on the first date!

We fished for awhile then pulled up to the dock at the Ram Pub and Grill. We got lunch to go, fished some more and then picked up Gunnar at another dock. It was great to spend some time with two of the guys in my life.

What a fantastic birthday weekend. I'm dreading the thought of going back to work tomorrow. Three more days and we are on our way to North Dakota for Jeff's family reunion.

Lady parts, good looking boobs, dancing bank tellers and the best birthday ever!

2009-06-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

I thought my birthday last year was the best ever but I was mistaken. This has been a day to remember. It’s been so wonderful that I’ve been moved to tears many times throughout the day today. I think I’m about all cried out.

Yesterday I sent Jeff a text message telling him that my ‘lady parts’ needed some attention. (hint, hint) He sends me one back that says ‘let’s take care of that problem tonight’.

I picked up Gunnar from work and we headed home. I lit the BBQ and he cooked me a fabulous salmon dinner. I took a shower, packed up my stuff and headed to Jeff’s. I cleaned his house and did his laundry then waited for him to get home from work at 11pm.

At midnight I was in the bathroom straightening my hair for the next day and he comes in and leans in for a kiss. He says ‘it’s 12:01 Baby, Happy Birthday’. How sweet!

He tells me Happy Birthday again at 12:40am. He’s doing everything in his power to make sure I don’t get bitchy and that I have a good birthday.

At 2:00am he says to me, is that what your lady parts needed? Oh yeahhhhhh.

My birthday morning, 6:30am. I wake up with a naked man beside me. What a wonderful thing to wake up to any day but this is a special man that just hours before was making my lady parts so happy. I jump in the shower and get ready for work. Normally I leave and don’t wake him up. He comes out of the bedroom with a birthday card. He says he can’t let me go to work without him telling me happy fifty-one. I told him he’d better watch out because someday he will be fifty-one. He says yes, but you will always be older than me. He will be 46 in nine days.

Our President (and birthday cake buyer) is on vacation. Our VP (his brother) had the duty of cake buying so I requested carrot. Mr. P. would have gone to the grocery store. Mr. V.P. went to the Cake Studio. This cake was beautiful and yummy.

Around 10am the delivery man brings flowers from Jeff. The card says ‘you rock’. That’s a long standing thing that I may explain someday. But yes, I think I do rock. He sent two red roses signifying our love for each other and a white rose representing our relationship.

Then I get an email from Jeff.

My mother calls to wish me a HB. She asks if my children have called. I remind her AGAIN that Anders does not celebrate holidays. She goes off about how she doesn’t understand it, etc. Then says ‘Well, I never have contact with him anyway, whatever.’ Geeze mother, maybe it’s that time you called him an idiot when he was in the 4th grade and a very ripe pear dropped while he was trying to pick it. Yes, mom, even an idiot knows how to pick pears. My son was not and will not ever be an idiot. He is a college graduate with a degree in Electrical Engineering. He just didn’t feel the need to ever bond with you after being called an idiot.

At 11am Jeff calls and tells me that he’s heading to Cabela’s with his friend Bill and Bill’s son Gunnar. (Yes, we both have sons named Gunnar.) At this point things aren’t looking too good for the ring. Jamie thinks maybe I will be getting a fishing pole with a ring on the end.

Jamie also told me that my boobs looked really good today. That’s funny because I was thinking the same thing this morning when I got dressed. I think it’s the Harley Davidson shirt that Jeff got me in Minneapolis. It’s kind of form fitting and I think I look pretty good. Wait, why is Jamie looking at my boobs?

As I was leaving for lunch Gunnar called to wish me a Happy Birthday. My first and only child to call me so far today. It looks like I will have the change the will again. It’s all going to Gunnar.

At lunch time I drove to the bank to make my deposit. I’m thinking about what a wonderful day it’s been so far and how happy my heart is. I have never had a day where I felt like this. I feel loved by all the people around me. When I get to the bank the teller says to me ‘Wow, what’s making you smile today?’ I say; it’s Friday, payday and my birthday. She starts singing Happy Birthday to me and dancing. It was too funny.

On my way back to work after lunch I get a Happy Birthday text message from Jeff’s parents.

On my desk when I return from lunch is a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card. It’s from Jamie, my co-worker and friend. Jamie is 27 which is the same age as Haldor. Jamie does not feel like a daughter, she is my friend. She knows absolutely all my dirty little secrets and she loves me anyway. She also gave me a card and wrote a letter. The letter had me bawling at my desk. I told her that at this point I don’t care if I get a fishing pole. That letter made my day. I love that girl.

Jeff’s friend Garett called and wished me a Happy Birthday as well. He’s coming over in a few weeks for us to help him set up a Match.com account. I told him that I hope he’s as lucky in love as we have been. Jeff has some wonderful and down-to-earth friends.

I get a phone call from my sister and one from Kjersti. Kjersti’s boyfriend David sends me a Happy Birthday text message. I check my facebook account and I have about ten birthday messages.

Jeff calls me on my way home and tells me to wait on the porch until he says it’s okay to come in. He opens the door and he has a cake on the table with candles. I have three presents waiting for me. I open the necklace first, then the earrings. (no ring but who the fuck cares at this point?)The last present is a fishing reel. I look up and he’s walking out of the bedroom with a fishing pole!

We head out to dinner at the Keg and we sit and talk. I tell him what a wonderful person he is and his ex-wife really fucked up but her loss is my gain. I have never felt so loved before. I will do everything in my power to hold on to this man forever.

After dinner we drop by my house to check on things. Kjersti, David and Aydan have sent me a lovely birthday card. As we are leaving Kjersti calls me. I guess I’ll be changing the will. She put more effort in than Gunnar but Gunnar did call first. What to do? Split it 50/50?

I just got two more phone calls. One from my brother and one from my sister. This is probably the third time that I can ever remember my brother calling me on my birthday. As I’ve said, we are not close. Oh, he even told me he loved me!

There is only one person I have not heard from and that’s Haldor. He and I have always been close other than that horrible year after the divorce. I know that he’s been busy trying to get some paperwork completed with the Canadian government and the Coast Guard. It would be nice to hear from him but I know that he’s not intentionally avoiding me, he’s just forgotten. I know that when he remembers he’s going to feel like shit and I feel bad about that. I think I may call him instead.

That is the blow by blow of my most awesome birthday ever. I have a fantastic man, wonderful co-workers and friends and a pretty nice family (sometimes!) My heart is HAPPY!

Gone Fishing?

2009-06-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

My birthday is Friday and I’m really dreading it. I’m not thrilled with the fact that I will be FIFTY ONE. Turning fifty was wonderful. If I could, I would stay fifty forever. I didn’t feel fifty. I certainly didn’t act fifty. And the best part was no one could ever guess my age. I was so proud of the fact that I was fifty and my life was so awesome. I told everyone I was fifty. Literally everyone that would listen to me. Seriously. Now I’m IN my 50’s. In is not a good thing. On the edge is fine.

Turning fifty one is not the only thing that’s bothering me. I just never have liked birthdays. I think I always set myself up that each birthday was going to be special and they never have been. I don’t know what I expect them to be like but they are always a let down. Most years my ex-husband would buy me a card and if I was lucky I didn’t have to cook. He hated eating out so that didn’t happen often.

My fiftieth was the best birthday of my life. Jeff took me for a long weekend to Reno. He treated me like a queen. Even the cocktail waitress was so excited that she brought me extra strong drinks in extra large glasses.

Jeff asked me what I wanted for this birthday. There is really only one thing I want but I thought if I told him he would totally freak out and not get it anyway. So I kept my mouth shut and told him I didn’t know what I wanted. He mentioned a fishing pole. Now isn’t that exciting? I would be happy (or at last pretend to be) with anything he got me. He’s pretty good in the gift giving department. For our first Christmas together he gave me a beautiful necklace. This past Christmas he got me the leather chaps I wanted.

Last night I got up the courage to tell him what I really want for my birthday. I want a ring. Now don’t freak out… not that kind of ring. It’s just that I’ve worn a ring for twenty eight years straight. It’s been two years and I still feel naked. I hate not having a ring on my finger. That probably sounds stupid. Or silly. Or just plain crazy. But it’s how I feel. We were in bed and it was dark and I’m trying to explain that I was going to go buy myself a ring but just haven’t gotten around to it. I don’t want any stones. Just a white-gold band with some design on it. It doesn’t have to have any meaning… like marriage or anything like that. I just want a ring on my finger so I can stop feeling naked. He was quiet for a minute and I thought I had bored him to sleep with my long explanation when he says to me; ‘what size do you wear?’

So have I just set myself up for another disappointment? Will he get me a ring? Will it be something I like? Will I say the right words if it’s not something I like? I guess you will all know when and if I hang up my ‘gone fishing’ sign.

Am I really that bad?

2009-06-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Stupid people piss me off. I’ve had a few issues today at work that had me ranting and raving. My co-worker Jamie tells me that I remind her of the mother on Everybody Loves Raymond. I’m thinking that’s not a good thing. It’s a good thing I love her otherwise my feelings would be hurt.

The non-judgmental black sheep but you can call me Grandma

2009-06-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other’s business. Looking back I guess it was a pretty cool little town. It is a picturesque and beautiful little fishing village on the Puget Sound. It sucked when I was younger because I had a great aunt in every other house on the main street. In the houses in between their houses were family friends. I could never get away with anything because it always got reported back to my parents. At the time the people in this town were either Croatian (which I am) or Scandinavian and we all belonged to the same church. We were all related somehow, either directly or by marriage. There was one elementary school, one middle school and one high school. I went to school with the same kids all my life. I now live in the big city (ten miles away and over a bridge) which is really not big but is in comparison to where I grew up. The remainder of my family still lives in this small town.

Gossip runs rampant in this town. The people are so judgmental, my family included and I want no part of it. My mother is the worst offender. She loves to dish the dirt on everyone else and thinks she has the perfect family.

I’m the black sheep of the family because I wanted out. My immediate family never got invited to family holidays. I spent a lot of time in therapy working through all my feelings about my family. I once asked my mother why they didn’t invite us and she told me there were too many of us and we didn’t fit in her house. My parents had a huge house and there was more than enough room. I’m kind of over it now. Actually, if I wasn’t related to them I would never choose them as friends and vice versa. I had my own family so we developed our own holiday traditions.

I’m basically alone now and I still don’t get invited. Anders became a Jehovah’s Witness when he married his wife Michelle. They obviously don’t celebrate holidays which was really hard for me at first but he’s happy and it’s his choice. It was just sad in the beginning to think that I would never again get to spend a holiday with my son. Haldor works three weeks on and two off on a tug boat. He always seems to work the holidays. Kjersti spent last Christmas in Michigan with David’s family. My ex husband is now a Witness as well so the kids can’t spend holidays with him either. A prison never closes and unless the holiday falls on a Friday or Saturday Jeff will never have it off. This coming Christmas will be his first in about six years. That leaves me and Gunnar celebrating Christmas by ourselves. What work would it be to invite two more people, your daughter and grandson for goodness sakes? Ok, maybe I’m not totally over it. I feel like an outsider when I’m around them and probably wouldn’t want to go but it would sure be nice to be invited just once.

That brings me back to the judgmental part. My daughter got pregnant at 16. Needless to say it was very upsetting to me. I wanted so much better for her. I didn’t see her finishing school if she had a baby. I knew the responsibilities that came with having children. She was a wild child herself and had no business having a baby. We discussed abortion, took her to an adoption counselor and she finally chose to keep him. He did not choose to come into this world but we as a family chose to support her. Her brothers have become the best uncles in the world. She is very lucky to have them. They help her out financially and take Aydan and spent quality time with him.

When we found out she was pregnant, one of my first thoughts was how I was going to tell my mother. I finally did it and she was very upset. I think she was mostly because she didn’t want people judging her. And they would. Isn’t it funny, what do they say; don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house? Or something of that sort.

My sister found out about my daughter and called me up and ripped me apart. She said ‘how could you do this to us’. Excuse me? I wasn’t there and what the fuck does this have to do with you? She also told me that I was ruining the family name. The really funny part about this is my sister is gay. I don’t have a problem with that. I actually have three gay cousins and two of my best friends are gay. I just thought it was funny that she’s been the talk of the town and then she throws this in my face. She accused me of trying to kill my mother.

I didn’t speak to my family for almost a year after that. My aunts, uncles and cousins all showed up at my house bearing gifts after Aydan was born. I didn’t call my mother. In fact, it wasn’t until Aydan ended up in the trauma burn center for third degree burns at ten months old that I finally spoke to my mother. And that was only because my Aunt called her and told her it was time to put aside her feelings. This was her great grandson and my father would never allow my mother to behave that way. Aydan was in the hospital for two months. My mother finally saw him when he was a year old.

We are speaking now but it’s so difficult at times. I feel like I’m getting picked apart for everything I say. I did lose it once and told her that the only reason she didn’t want anyone to know about Aydan is because she is so judgmental and she doesn’t want to be judged herself. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. I don’t really care who is addicted to alcohol, drugs or pregnant out of wedlock. I’m busy living my life. What other people do is no concern to me. My mother also thinks that no one in her town knows about Aydan but they do. They ask me about him when I see them but they have never said a word to my mother. I think it’s hilarious.

Kjersti did finish high school a whole year early and has gone on to become a dental assistant. She's a wonderful mother. Aydan is happy and a very well behaved boy.

This is the true love of my life. My mother may not be proud to be a great grandmother but my heart melts a little every time he calls me Grandma.

The most adorable little guy

Kjersti left him unattended on her bed and he fell between the wall and the bed and landed on the wall heater. This was the most horrific time of his and our lives.

Aydan today

Just call me Grandma

Happy Father's Day Dad

2009-06-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

My Dad passed away five years ago so I no longer have a dad to call on Father's day. I posted this on my MySpace blog on his birthday last year.

Today would have been my Dad's 81st birthday. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. It's definitely gotten easier but I still miss him.

It was Sunday, November 16, 2004. We were asleep when the phone rang. My husband answered it. It was my mother on the phone. He listened for a bit then turned to me and said "Your dad is dead". It took a few moments for that comment to sink in. I never truly knew what a broken heart felt like until that day.

Dad had heart problems and weathered many surgeries and procedures. His first heart attack happened in 1982 while fishing out of San Francisco. Haldor was a baby and I couldn't leave him for too long but I managed to spend a few days with my dad and kept my mother company. Years later when he had his quadruple bypass we held a vigil at the hospital for six weeks. It was a nightmare but it was also one of the funniest times he's ever provided us with. The meds were making him so crazy. He was telling us all kinds of stories. As each one of us took a turn to visit with him in ICU we would come out with a new story, rehash the old ones and then laugh and cry some more. Even as we thought we might be losing him, he was still providing us with laughs.

My dad was a funny man. He left his family with many great memories of funny things he would do or say. With his heart problems and being a diabetic he'd always sneak food when my mom wasn't around. One of his best tricks was cutting a doughnut in half but eating both then saying he only had a half. Then there was his famous "Wanna split a pop?" because even though he wasn't supposed to have pop it was better if he shared it with you. He had a great sense of humor, that's why we buried him with a can of Coke.

He was also kind, loving and supportive. I could talk to him about anything. Of course I didn't because he was also one of those people that always wanted to see the good and believe in the good. If I ever told him anything bad about me it would have upset him. I never wanted to disappoint him but I knew that he would always be there for me.

When I was growing up he was gone for months at a time. When he was home I spent a lot of time with him. After school and weekends I would ride my bike down to the dock. I would spend hours fishing off the dock with a piece of fishing twine, a piece of lead from one of the nets with a hook on the end. My bait would be bologna or anything else I could find in the ice box on the boat. When I got older I was allowed to take the skiff out and buzz around the harbor all by myself or I would hang around him and fill needles while they mended the nets.

When it was time to leave for Alaska we would gather at the dock, everyone kissing and hugging goodbye. At such a young age I don't think my sister and I or my cousins realized how dangerous this trip was for them. The chance that we would never see them again was pretty high. Every single male in my entire family was on those boats. As the boats would pull away from the dock we would all run for our cars as fast as we could, speed through Gig Harbor to the old ferry landing and watch them head out of the mouth of the harbor and turn the corner heading towards the fishing grounds of Alaska. We would all be standing there, tears streaming down our faces. We did this every year and it always happened right before my birthday. I never spent my birthday with my dad until he retired.

Even though he sold his boat and was retired he continued to work. Fishing was his life and his passion. He always said his family was his life. I heard that over and over from many of the over 300 people at his funeral. My mom used to say he loved the boat more than he loved her. I think he did love them both but in different ways.
His retirement consisted of fall fishing a day or two a week out in West Pass. It wasn't far from the house and it was something he could enjoy doing with his son and his grandsons. He was looking forward to setting his net in West Pass on the Monday after he left us.

He never made it out for the one last set. He left us so suddenly. He died doing what he loved right up until the end. He lived a good life, was a good person and I'm really missing him. Happy Birthday Dad! Wanna split a pop?

Worth the effort

2009-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

It took a little effort on my part last night but I thought I pulled off a fantastic evening. Jeff seemed pretty happy and I'm feeling wonderful today. I just got this text from him:

You were beautiful and great last night. You are very loved. You rock!

Not the most eloquent message but I can feel the feelings behind those words.
I swear I am hopelessly in love.

Menopause can make you gay

2009-06-18T17:52:00.001-07:00

My new life is the polar opposite of my old life. I always knew that I had a wild and crazy streak. My dear friend Angie pointed out something to me one day. Talk about a life changing moment. This was the stuff that Oprah talks about.

My ex-husband and I went camping with Angie’s family and some other people from my work. He never liked any of my friends so one by one I dropped people out of my life. Things started changing with the new job and he was feeling it. I told him I was going camping with or without him. I was secretly hoping it was going to be without him but he agreed to go. Come to find out later, he thought I was having an affair with one of the girls I work with. BECAUSE DID YOU KNOW THAT MENOPAUSE CAN MAKE YOU GO GAY? He was right, it does mess with your mind but it does not make you gay. Thank goodness those HRT patches I have are keeping me straight.

On the Monday after returning, Angie took me into her office and said “I just have to say this even though it’s none of my business; There are three Julies. The Julie that is at work is funny but professional. The Julie that goes out to lunch with us is full of life and laughter. The Julie that is around her husband is physically and emotionally holding herself back. You shut down when he is around.” She was right. If I said or did anything slightly crazy I would get the evil eye from my husband. He was a very uptight person.

I would not be where I am today without Angie sharing her honest observation with me. I owe her so much.

Wild and Crazy. Yes, that’s me. I’ve done some crazy ass shit since I’ve met Jeff. I’ve learned that men are visual and I totally feed his need. It keeps him happy and it makes me happy. My problem is I’m running out of ideas to keep it fresh.

One night I showed up at his house in nothing but bra, panties, thigh high stockings, high heels and an overcoat. Talk about an adrenalin rush driving over there. It was worse than driving after having a couple drinks. I didn’t want to do anything that would warrant a cop pulling me over. Could you just see me trying to explain that one? No officer, I cannot get out of the car.

Another time I drew a heart tattoo near my breast and wrote his name in the center of the heart. I took a picture with my cell phone and texted it to him. Now it pops up when I call him which is so much fun when his parents are visiting and he tells me not to call him in case his phone is lying around. Oh nice, now everyone can see my titties.

All I have energy or imagination for tonight is sweats and a t-shirt. Believe it or not, the first time he saw me with no makeup and sweats he said he was blown away. It's one of his fondest memories. Go figure.

I was coming off the ‘divorce’ diet then. I felt like a million bucks. Now I’m on the ‘I’m complacent and love to eat out too often with my partner’ diet. It’s not a diet that’s conducive to feeling sexy. I try to live on his schedule as well and that means about five hours of sleep a night. I read once that sleep is conducive (I’ve used that word twice now in the same paragraph) to being thin. No wonder I’m so fat!

Today I’m feeling both physically and emotionally blah. This is my night that I would normally stay home alone. It’s Jeff’s Friday night and he likes to sleep in. I’m pretty quiet in the mornings but sometimes he just wants to not be disturbed. I understand that but I’m feeling the need to see him. We usually have sex (he calls it making love) 3-4 times a week. The last two times we were together sleep was more important for me. So I ask him today if I can spend the night because I’m really needing some loving from him. He tells me yes, but only if I surprise him with something. I’m feeling fat, ugly and blah. I’ve got to do something to get into the mood. I’ve got five hours. I guess I’ll go take a nice long, hot bubble bath then get on the internet and look at porn? I’m totally joking.

Pussy tears

2009-06-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I rented a movie last Saturday night. He likes horror and war movies and I like comedies and chick flicks. Usually we rent something that he likes because once I’m in a comfortable position I’m asleep within minutes anyway. I very rarely watch a movie to the end.

This week he wanted to see Marley and Me. I read the book so I knew how it ended but I didn’t tell him because I wanted to see the movie. I actually stayed awake for the entire movie. We were lying on the couch and when it got to the end I could hear him sniffling. He was crying! I love that he is not afraid to show his emotions. Maybe he is a pussy after all.

The world now knows how much I weigh.

2009-06-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Another great weekend has come and gone. We spent most of it on the Harley. And because Gunnar is gone we spent the weekend at my house.

On Friday night we rode down to Steamer’s for dinner. After dinner we took a little ride, stopped at Tacoma Boys then headed home.

On Saturday we rode to the Snoqualmie Casino. It was such a beautiful ride and the casino is awesome. The view out there is gorgeous. We gambled a little, split a burger then headed up north. We rode through Carnation, Duval (I want to live there!) and to Monroe. Jeff took me by the prison to show me where he worked.

We came back I-405 and took the I-520 floating bridge (another awesome view that I’ve never seen before) and down I-5. We passed Federal Way and Jeff pulls over at the weigh station. I had no idea why he was stopping then realized that he wanted to see how much the bike weighed. So we get off the bike and walk off the scale. The bike by itself weighs 780 pounds. He steps on the scale then I step on it. The total weight was 1200 pounds. Now I’m not one to hide my weight and it’s no secret that I need to lose more than a few pounds. But I turn around and realize that hundreds of cars driving down I-5 now know how much I weigh. Thank you Jeff for ending my day with me showing my weight to the world. By the way, you sure look good for 300 pounds! (Which you surely must be because I'm not admitting to anything over 140).

Jeff told me the other day that the “love” blog made him look like a pussy. I had to disagree with him but I deleted it. We leave the scale and he says to me; “You’re going to post this on MySpace, aren’t you? Because if you don’t, I will”. Sure I will baby, if you want all your friends to know that you have a fat girlfriend.

Plan B

2009-06-12T17:37:00.001-07:00

When I was a junior in high school I made the horrific mistake of leaving my diary in the living room one night. The next morning my mother found it and read it. And I was in big trouble. I think I wrote about kissing guys under the bleachers during football games and smoking. I also referred to my brother as a prick. I really hate that word now (probably just the trauma of the whole situation.)

For about a month after the whole diary blow up I was not allowed to go anywhere and I could not be in my bedroom with the door closed. I swore right then and there that if I ever had children I would allow them some privacy.

Growing up my kids were slobs. I would ask them to clean their rooms but by the time they got around to it the job would be so overwhelming that they had no idea where to begin. It was nearly impossible for Haldor and Gunnar both being ADHD for them to complete any task without becoming sidetracked. So every once in a while I would give the warning that if they didn’t do it, I would get the garbage bag and do it myself.

If I found notes or anything that I thought was not my business I would carefully put it aside. I understood at that moment the pull that my mother must have felt. But I was not going to violate my children in that way.

We did pretty well with the privacy thing until the kids got a little older and gave us reasons to search their rooms. We found pot pipes on numerous occasions in Haldor’s room. We’d throw one away and he would just get another. Thank goodness those years are behind us. That poor kid apologizes constantly for putting us through all that shit. I finally told him that he turning out the way he did is enough. No need to beat himself up and apologize for it constantly. I truly believe that he would not be the wonderful man he is today had he not gone through all that crap.

This brings me to this week. Gunnar is the biggest slob of all my children. And he’s the one that lives with me. Why couldn’t I have a child as anal as myself? Stinky boy’s room was really getting bad. I told him before he left for Alaska that I would be cleaning his room. I figured I gave him a head’s up to hide whatever he didn’t want me to find. I don’t think he really cares anymore.

So I find some silverware and glasses under the bed. I also found the cause of the stinkiness. I’m not sure what it was and I don’t know that I really want to know. Whatever it was it was in a canning jar and the lid was on tight. It smelled like sour milk (and I didn’t even remove the lid). It took hours to get that stink out of my nose.

I also straightened his dresser drawers. Of all the things I have found in my children’s room over the years this was a complete shock. I found a box of Plan B. I think I’m going to go buy him a huge box of condoms and put them right beside that box. And maybe when he gets home I will have to give him a talk once again about sexually transmitted diseases. He’s 22, when can I give up the mothering part?

Manly-man

2009-06-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I e-mailed Jeff a copy of the “Love Blog”. He came home, checked his e-mail but said nothing. Later when we got into bed he says to me ‘That really makes me sound like a pussy’. I had to disagree with him. He’s kind, respectful and romantic. He just happens to know how to please a woman. He’s a mustache wearing, tattoo bearing, Harley riding manly-man. He works with murderers, rapists, drug dealers and thieves. A pussy could not do what he does. What I wrote about him doesn’t make him a pussy, it gets him some.

This is love

2009-06-09T14:26:00.001-07:00

I love when you send me flowers at work with sweet little notes. The ladies in the office are sick of seeing the delivery guy. They tease me but I know that they are truly happy for me. And they all think you are the greatest.

I love how when I first met you and was broke you slipped a $20 bill in my pants pocket so I could go to lunch with the girls from the office. It was cute how you called me and told me to check my back pocket. (My second thought was ‘did he just pay me for sex’?)

I love when you stick love notes in my laptop for me to find later.

I love when you draw me a bath and light candles in the bathroom and then offer to scrub my back.

I loved it when you told me to pack a bag because you were taking me away for the weekend. I had no idea where we were heading until we almost got to our destination.

I love how you bust your ass getting all your yard work and chores done on Friday so we can have Friday night and all of Saturday together doing fun things.

I love how you can touch my bra under my shirt and tell me what color it is just by the feel.

I love that you know what size bra I wear. I also love how you feel so confident walking through the lingerie department and will touch everything. You always have an opinion on what I should get.

I love how you ALWAYS treat me with nothing but respect and kindness. You have never talked down to me and I appreciate that. You have done the same with my children and for that, I love you.

I love how when you are finished talking with your parents you always hand me the phone to say hello like it’s a natural occurrence. I love your parents and have thanked them for raising such a wonderful son.

I love that even though I’m sure your back hurts more than mine, you will give me wonderful back rubs, bring me my sleeping pill and water and tuck me in for the night.

I love that you aren’t afraid to dig in my purse when you want something out of it. Most guys are afraid of what they will find.

I love when you realize even before I do that I’ve forgotten to get something to drink with my dinner and you jump up to get it.

I love that you take the Harley out in 55 degree weather because I want to. I know your blood thinners make you cold but it’s something you do for me because I enjoy it.

I love that you take time off of work to take me to the hospital then take me home and keep me full of pain pills and fed all weekend.

I love when you leave the remote on the table and we watch one television show all the way through, even the commercials. You have taught me that commercial time is for kissing.

I love that you respected me enough to let me deal with the salesman by myself when I bought my truck. I also liked how you were so proud of me for holding my ground on the selling price. You continually tell me what a good deal I got and that makes me feel good. I had no idea what I was doing but you let me do it anyway.

I love that you rave about my cooking and eat anything I put in front of you. I also love Saturday nights when you do the cooking and I do the cleanup. We make a great team.

I love when my cell phone rings with your ring tone and my heart skips a beat.

I love it when you tell me that all your friends and family say I’m a ‘keeper’. I know that you feel the same way but it’s nice that they all like me.

I love you for teaching me to appreciate my body and to look past the flaws. You love all my curves; as you once said ‘they’re in all the right places’.

I love how you got down on one knee and said to me “will you accept this key to my house’. I know what a big commitment that was for you. It was something you did not take lightly and I know that I had to prove I was worthy of having a key to your house.

I love and am thankful for your persistence when you asked for a date. To think that I almost didn’t let it happen. I laugh when I think of the girls in the office telling me ‘it’s only dinner, you’re not going to marry the guy’. Who would have guessed that we would be here, together almost two years later?

Last but not least, thank you for being so patient with me while my hormones were so out of whack. My moods were off the chart and changing by the hour but you remained calm through all of it. If I was in your shoes, I would have turned and ran as fast as I could. Thank you for sticking by me.

I love you baby!

Note to self:

2009-06-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Do NOT take a sleeping pill then post on facebook. I just saw what I posted last night and have no recollection of doing so. What else did I do last night?

Anniversary of an old life

2009-06-08T18:16:00.001-07:00

Today would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. I only made it to 28 years and three months. It wasn’t the most horrible marriage but it wasn’t the best.

On my 40th birthday I asked for a divorce. We split for about three months until I figured out that I could not raise four kids (two with ADHD) on my own. I didn’t have the financial means seeing as I hadn’t worked in fifteen years. More importantly, I could not emotionally handle all four kids on my own. We got back together and he agreed to make some changes. Those changes never came but I held on for another eight years. I would complain occasionally to my friends about my husband but nothing major. We never argued in front of the kids. I didn’t think that anyone had any clue there was something wrong. I don’t think he even realized there was something wrong with our marriage.

We once had a therapist tell us that if we didn’t work on us there would be no ‘us’ once the kids were grown. How very true that turned out to be. Our lives consisted of him coming home from work; wanting dinner on the table by 5:30 and then complaining about what I cooked (he was a VERY picky eater). After dinner he would sit on the couch and change channels during every commercial. I don’t think I saw a complete program for years. We would start to watch something then he would change the channel when a commercial came on, and then switch to something else. Just as I would get engrossed in that he would switch back but it was too late and we would miss part of the first program. And God forbid he would ever give up control over the remote. I finally got so pissed that I would sit on the computer all night downloading music while he was in the living room watching television. This went on for a few years. I’ve got a pretty good collection of music!

For enjoyment we went to the grocery store together. And the funny thing is we used to joke about that being our ‘date’. I look back now and think about how sick that was. On the weekends we did housework and yard work. That was my life. No wonder I loved going to work so much. It meant I got out of the house.

He has been gone for one year and nine months. I have lived more in that time than I had in the twenty eight years previous. I have had more sex in the past twenty one months that I have had in the twenty eight years I was married.

If he saw me today he would not recognize me. I used to have an old lady haircut. My hair is now blonde and to my shoulders. I have a tattoo. I dress differently. I ride on the back of a Harley! I have been to Reno, Las Vegas and weekends away here and there. I’m going to North Dakota in three weeks for Jeff’s family reunion. I am getting out and doing things!

My children were very shocked when we separated. It happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to think. He got to them first and smeared me up one side and down the other. Haldor did not speak to me for over a year. I didn’t speak to Anders for five months but did have some email contact. Gunnar and Kjersti were still at home and they realized what side their bread was buttered on. They were acting out in other ways. They were having parties at my house. I came home once to find underage girls puking in the bathroom, kids making Molotov cocktails in my garage (next to the gas water heater), and bursting empty beer bottles on my patio. Fun times, I tell ya. I kicked them out.

All my kids are finally back in my life. They have met Jeff and they like him. They see how happy I am and they comment. Kjersti emailed me after coming to dinner one night. She told me that she could see how happy Jeff made me. She said he gives me all the things her father didn’t; love, attention and affection. She is genuinely happy for me. Haldor has gone on motorcycle rides with us and Gunnar has hung out with us. They see it all now even though they couldn’t see it before.

Yesterday Jeff and I went out on my brother’s boat for the annual ‘Blessing of the Fleet’. We were with family and some friends I had not seen in awhile. I think it’s funny when people ask me about the divorce then comment with things like “He was an odd man”. Someone else said he was too old for me. He is eleven years older but where I’m a young 50, he’s a very old 61. I didn’t realize that so many people had an opinion about my marriage. I don’t think there has been one person that was shocked when I told them. Not a single person except for my children.

I can’t say I regret being married for twenty eight years. I believe everything happens for a reason. I met Jeff at the right time in my life and now he has given me an even better life. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. I’m looking forward to the next twenty eight years of my life.

Slow boat to Alaska

2009-06-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

My prayers have been answered. I can hear the horns now. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, HALLELUJAH!

Gunnar is leaving tomorrow for Alaska. On a boat, no less. And his stinky welding boots will be going with him. He will be gone for two weeks but says it could possibly be longer. When he gave me this news it was all I could do to keep this huge shit-eating grin off my face. (By the way, where did that expression come from? I certainly would not be grinning if I was eating shit.)

It gets even better. He came home two days ago with his own cell phone and his own CELL PHONE PLAN. That means I can cancel his phone and another phone I have and will save close to $70 a month.

And wait, more good news. I went to the doctor yesterday. She gave me lots of wonderful drugs and a prescription for ten, count 'em, T E N massages. I had my first one today after work.

Jeff is with his friend Garret at the Mariner's/Minnesota Twins game tonight. Jeff is a HUGE Twins fan. He and Garret are having a night out to celebrate their divorces. Jeff's divorce was final almost two years ago but Garret finally got his completed.

It's my first Friday alone is ages. I'm massaged, drugged up on Percocet and relaxing in front of the computer. I'm going to pack a bag, hit a drive-through on the way to Jeff's and go crawl in his bed and watch some good cable television. Not the cheap crap cable I have but the good On Demand, DVR, fancy shit that he constantly teases me for not having. Hello? I'm not stupid. Why pay for it when I can go to his house and watch. Ahhhhh, life is finally getting better.

My butt is calling

2009-06-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Last April I put up a new fence in my back yard. I could tell that it upset my neighbor that it was a six foot fence. I’m pretty sure he was upset because he mentioned the height EVERYTIME I SPOKE WITH HIM. I told him at the time that there is really nothing to see in my back yard. He said he would get a periscope but I told him if it mattered that much to him I’ll just drill him some damn peep holes.

He’s a nice man and his wife is as well. I’ve lived next door to them for 15 plus years. They don’t have any children of their own and they always had such patience with my monsters when they were growing up. They are well read and have a lot to share. It’s just that I don’t want to go through all their aches and pains, doctor’s visits and the like every time I talk to them. If I did, I would go visit my own mother.

So I finally get what I thought was some privacy. But oh no! This eighty year old man has somehow developed super powers when it’s come to hearing. I have to sneak out in my own damn yard because if I don’t he is yelling “Julie, is that you? Let me come around and talk to you so I can see you”

Tonight as I was out tiptoeing around while I was pulling weeds a brilliant idea came over me. Those cell phone commercials where the wife says to the guy that his butt is calling her? Well, I could put my cell phone in my pocket and call my home phone. Once my phone starts ringing I will have to run and catch it, won’t I?

Pictures

2009-06-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

1991 and I've held on to the 80's hair.

Today... not bad for fifty, huh?

Getting old...er

2009-06-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

I began this blog for two reasons. One was to be able to vent without my kids finding me. I was going to do a journal on the computer but Gunnar uses this computer as well and I had this fear of him finding the journal. I know how to hide things but he’s much better at the computer than I. I didn’t feel that there was enough security. I could have used my lap top but I can’t type worth beans on that dang thing. The other reason for a blog was to use my brain. I will be the first one to admit that I’m not a very articulate person. My grammar is not that great either. I’m a numbers person all day long. It’s what I do for a living. It’s been so long since I’ve written I figured it would hopefully hold back the dementia for awhile.

If you knew me you would know that I write just how I speak. I once had a friend tell me that she cracked up at my letters because it was just like me speaking to her. She said she loved receiving letters from me. I’m not going to let my lack of grammar/articulation hold me back. Besides, sometimes I have all these thoughts running through my head and I just have to get them down before I can clear my brain enough to sleep. This is my therapy. And it’s free.

I will be 51 years old in twenty-four more days. I’m having a hard time with that fact. I loved turning 50! I never felt better and my life was going well. In the year preceding I had lost a job that I absolutely loved and held for over 10 years. I worked with a lot of the same people for those ten years. We were a family. They closed down the store and we all had to find new jobs. For the most part we all were happy where we were. It was devastating. I found a new job that paid more, had better hours and benefits. My husband and I separated and divorced. Two of my children didn’t speak to me for over a year. I kicked the youngest two out of the house because even though they were speaking to me they were disrespecting me and my house. They would throw parties when I was gone on the weekends. I had some very stressful, life changing experiences over that time. I met someone new and turned 50. Life was grand and it still is for the most part. People could not believe I was fifty. One day I went to the doctor’s office and the receptionist was checking me in, she looked down at my chart and she whispered ‘Oh my god, You’re fifty!’ I told her yes and no need to whisper. I tell anyone and everyone who will listen!

Turning thirty was easy for me. I felt the same way as I did turning fifty. Thirty one; not so much. I’m having a hard time with 51. I’m now into my 50’s and I feel like it’s all down hill from here. Before I know it, I will be sixty. Now that’s OLD! The weird part is I am feeling so scatter brained lately. I wonder if my kids look at me and think I’m an airhead.

Today I am driving out to Puyallup to get my hair done. I leave work and drive down Pacific Avenue for about 5 or so miles until I hit highway 512. It’s stop-and-go all the way to 512. As I’m driving I’m thinking that the truck feels funny. I look down to make sure it’s not in 2nd gear. No, it’s in drive. I turn onto highway 512 and something starts to smell funny. Finally a nice guy on a Harley (he’s got to be cool, he’s on a Harley) looks over at me and yells that my brakes are smoking. I pull over and yes, they were smoking. Badly. Guess what? I forgot to release the emergency brake. What a moron. I call Haldor and he tells me that I will probably need to replace the break pads but I can continue on to my appointment.

Lately I’m apprehensive about driving in general. I’m so sure that I’m going to get in an accident. I don’t have the reflexes I once had. I just feel like I’m losing it physically, emotionally and psychologically. I’m not a true blond so that can’t be the answer. I am too young for dementia, I think. I’m thinking it might be depression. Today I made an appointment to see my doctor. Hopefully she can prescribe something that will help.

On a lighter note

2009-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, that last post was a downer. I guess I was exhausted and in one of those moods. I had a great weekend and I'm feeling much better. We took the bike up to Mt. Rainier and took a ton of pictures. The air smelled so fresh, it was warm and sunny. It could not have been a better day for a ride.

All alone, just me and my depression

2009-05-28T22:49:00.001-07:00

I have been so very tired lately. I have been doing lots of home improvement projects. A few Sundays ago I worked outside for seven hours straight. I mowed, edged and weed-eated the lawn. Pulled some weeds, planted some plants, cleaned the garage and washed both vehicles. It took me almost four days to recover. It didn’t help that I spent Monday and Tuesday night with Jeff and when I do we usually stay up until 2am. I was operating on very little sleep. I stay with Jeff about four nights a week which really gives me only three nights to get even a half decent night of rest. On those nights he calls me when he gets home from work at 11:30pm. This past weekend I worked in his yard on Saturday then spent Sunday and Monday ALL DAY painting my last room in my house. And I mowed my lawn. I was so tired yesterday that I went home directly from work and straight to bed. I was literally taking my clothes off as I walked in the door and was heading for the bed. It was only 4:45pm. I could have slept through until the morning if my friend Fonda had not called me at 6pm to ask me advice on hair color. When she asked what I was doing and I said sleeping because I’ve been so tired. She asked me if I was depressed. Of course not, I haven’t taken anything for my depression in almost two years. I’ve been feeling fantastic. Oh, then the lightening bolt hit me. Did you see it? Oh crap, I think I am depressed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. I don’t want to medicate myself again. I know what is causing this depression and I know how to solve it without medication but I can’t. I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that I have my oldest son, my ex-husband and my boyfriend all telling me the same thing.

The cause of my depression is Gunnar. When he asked if he could move back in with me after he lost his job and got a DUI I reluctantly said yes. BUT I made him sign a paper stating that he would be paying me rent and also a bunch of rules I expected him to obey. Like keeping his incredibly stinky welding boots in the garage. That was as good as the paper it was written on. I think I stole that paper from work. I think I even typed it during work when I should have been doing actual work. You know, what they pay me to do. Maybe it’s payback for stealing company time and paper. And toner.

Not only has he not followed my requests, it took him almost 10 months to find a job. The only time he’s helped me with anything around here was when I lost my temper. One day I was so bad that he told me he doesn’t take it personally, that he knows it’s just my menopause. I told him that he should take it personally because I don’t think it is my menopause. For awhile when I got in those moods he would go spend the week at a friend’s house and it was nice to have the break.

So he finally gets a job and I’m more thrilled than he is. The day before his job starts he tells me that his motorcycle doesn’t run and he needs a ride to work. His father agreed to help out. So we are getting up at 4:50am and driving him to work which is a 25 minute drive each way. I come home, shower and go to work at 7:30. After work it seems silly for me to go home for an hour and a half so I find errands to run. I pick him up at 6:30 and don’t get home until almost 7pm. It’s not my fault that his work hours are 6am until 6:30pm. I’m exhausted and needless to say tired of spending so much money on gas making all these trips back and forth to our jobs. And what really got my panties in a bunch was the other day as I busting my butt trying to get this bedroom painted he walks out the back door and gets on the (broken) motorcycle and drives away. What the fuck? Does it only work for play but not for work? I fumed all day. I was more pissed about that then the fact that he didn’t offer to help me around here. He’s not smart enough but he really never should have come home that night. When he did I just looked at him and said in a whiney voice; “You know what Gunnar? I really, really ,really want to be able to live somewhere rent free where I don’t have to pay utilities, have my laundry done (I do them together because one big load is better than two small and I’m not letting him touch my laundry) food in the fridge and someone to pay my cell phone. Heck, it would even be nice to have someone transfer me back and forth to work on their dime as well”. He looked away and started texting. I think he was texting his father to see if he could take him to work the next day. Good move. I was fed up.

So Haldor, Byron (he’s still not speaking to me except through the kids, how mature of him) and Jeff all tell me I need to kick him out. I so very badly want to. I know that I need to do it for my sanity but I can’t. I can’t just tell him to pack up and leave. Where would he go? He just started this job and something in the pit on my stomach tells me he’s not going to keep it for long. He’s bitching about the long hours. Oh, suck it up. It’s a job. But then again, Mommy is here to take care of you. Why would you want to work so hard?

I want to be alone. I want to have my house the way I want it. I want his stinky boots out of my house. I want his room for a craft/sewing room. I want to be alone. Did I say I want to be alone? I really want to be alone. I also want to have Jeff over to my house sometimes. And I want to be alone.

With the way I feel right now I would sell this house if I could and tell him he’s got to move. I would either move in with Jeff or find a small apartment. That is not an option. My mother transferred the title to me and the attorney told her that I have to live in it for at least two of the next five years. I think it has to do with capital gains. Doesn’t matter, the economy sucks and it’s not the time to sell. Plus I’ve been working really hard to get it the way I want it. I want to enjoy all the work I’ve done before I sell it. I want to enjoy it all alone. I think I’ve mentioned that already.

I feel like such a shitty mother. He’s my son. How can a mother just throw her son to the curb? I know that I’m not helping him by letting him stay here but I also don’t know how to go about getting him out without a big blow up and possibly never speaking to him again. Believe me, I’ve weighed the options. The option I’m leaning towards makes me feel even shittier.

Friends with Benefits and other random stuff

2009-04-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

I need a friend with benefits. (Not that kind of benefits). I suppose the relationship would really be of no benefit to him. Does it have to be?I need a guy that has the time and is willing and able to help me in the yard and around the house. Would I have to give anything in return or would just my huge smile at a job well done be enough? I've been told on many occasions that I have a beautiful smile.

Getting manicures while trying to landscape your back yard is a waste of money.

I suppose the same would go for pedicures. I really wanted one after work but opted to work in the yard. In those damn Crocs. The dirt filters through the holes and now my feet look worse. I should have gone and gotten pampered and said “screw the yard”. My back would thank me. Right about now I could use some good drugs.

Installing hinges on a gate seems like no big deal but it is. I thought I could handle it but it appears I can’t. This is where the friends with benefits would come in.

Just once I would love to hear the words; “Hey Mom? Let me help you with that!” I'm realistic, it's not gonna happen.

The thought of shoveling and hauling five yards of recycled human waste is more that I can handle. As soon as I get my yard done, I’m having a party and I’m going to get wasted.

The IRS (and in turn the Social Security Administration) has my address listed as my ex-husband’s address. I've never lived at his address. I'm pretty sure that seeing my name on anything makes him sick and angry. This ought to be fun to straighten out.

I think my face is blue from telling people not to wear shoes in my house. Is it really that hard to understand? You are 22 years old for goodness sakes.

The downside of owning a home? You can’t run away.

Yes, you've pissed off the neighbors

2009-03-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have lived in my house for close to seventeen years. My sister owned the house before that and I lived with her when I was fresh out of high school back in 1976. It’s a nice, established neighborhood that still has some original owners. As the older people are dying off we have new people moving in. There are some nice young families and it’s nice to see people out working in their yards.

So… we have some new neighbors next door to me. I think they moved in around September of last year. I’m not a very outgoing person so I really haven’t had much contact with them. They have two little kids that they like to scream at and a dog that barks constantly. It doesn’t really bother me that much because I’m hardly ever home. Like I said, I haven’t had much contact with them but from what I’ve seen, they appear to be a little strange. I can’t put my finger on it but the guy (John)creeps me out.

They replaced the roof before they moved in and have torn out most of the front yard. I am going to be re-doing my back yard so I was kind of looking forward to what they do with their yard. The house was really in need of a new paint job which I figured was coming soon. I was really curious what color they would pick that would go with their green roof. I don’t know why but I don’t care for the color of the roof. It’s really the only thing I can see of their house from my house.

I drove up today after work and the only thing I could say (out loud, to myself) was “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING”. I ran in the house to find Gunnar but he wasn’t home. I had to call my mom, I just had to tell SOMEONE. After my conversation I went outside to unload my groceries. Half of my neighbors on my street were having a powwow. Holy shit they are pissed – and rightfully so- their windows all face this house. One neighbor told me that John ( creepy guy) told her that they let their six year old pick the color. He said “It’s the color that will piss off the neighbors”. He was so right! I think I just saw the value of my house drop. FUCKERS.

Gunnar says it looks like a pre-school. He says he wants to go over and spray paint “School Bus” on the front of the house. Gunnar doesn’t need any encouragement, I know him; this is the same house he once wrote “ASS” all over. Ok, he was like four years old and it was the first word he ever learned. The old neighbors were pretty cool about it. We made Gunnar scrub it off. This time I think he would just end up in jail. Unless of course they thought one of the other neighbors did it. They’re all so pissed they might even go help.

Rumpies

2009-03-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have three choices. I can fix my lawn mower myself, buy a new one or grow old waiting for Gunnar. Today I thought I would give it my best shot. I got it about 90 percent fixed but it’s that last 10 percent that is probably the most important part. The self propelled part broke so I bought a new cable. The damned thing put me back $40. I should have just bought a new mower for how much I’ve had this one in the shop. I told myself this was going to be the last dollar I spent on it but then realized I need a new blade. THAT will be the last money I spent on it. I’m proud of myself for accomplishing what I did but this is all I got for all the hard work. A bloody hand.

Once I drew blood I figured I was done. I’ll just have to stand out there all gray haired and watch Gunnar complete the job. I put the mower back in the shed and came into the house. The only solution to how I was feeling was to pour myself a tall Malibu rum and pineapple. No single or double shot for me… no, half and half…. I’ve named my drink the “Rumpie”. That’s half rum half pineapple juice. With a little ice thrown in. Yummy! I probably should put the truck in the garage before I have another. It’s a tight squeeze and you really have to be on top of your game to move it in without hitting the side of the garage. I realized one day that I cannot wear my glasses when I pull the truck in the garage. They are great for reading and just seeing things in general but they really throw my off depth perception. I rubbed out the scratch so it’s all good.

I had a great weekend. On Friday Jeff and I had his friends Bill and Deanna over for dinner at my house. It’s been so long since we’ve hung out here. We usually spend all our weekends at his house because there is more privacy there. I kicked Gunnar out for the weekend and told him that he might not want to show up here if he didn’t want to be traumatized. (I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. Of course not, not when I need him now. My yard looks like shit and I’m envious of all my neighbors out mowing their lawns).

The best part of this weekend? Jeff cut his mustache. He looks like the guy I met all those months ago. If I had even a little bit of rhythm I would be doing a happy dance right now. He did it for me and it means more than I could ever put into words. He told me he would do it and I told him I would not believe it until he was sitting in the barber’s chair. We had to wait for 2 other hair cuts and he was sitting there so quietly. I looked at him and said “Are you sure you want to do this”? He said he was sure and he even let me take pictures. I was so excited that I was speechless. He’s such an awesome guy. I think I fell in love all over again. As with any relationship there is compromise. I really regret cutting three inches off of my hair. It looks like I will be growing it out, but that’s fine with me. Every time I look at him I will be reminded why I’m letting it grow.

Where are the toothpicks?

2009-03-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap I was tired today. I think all these late nights living on Jeff's schedule is getting to me. I cannot function any longer on only 5 hours of sleep a night.

It was all I could do today to stay awake. I suppose work being slow is not helping matters. I've got quite a few bookmarks in my browser but I'm running out of interesting things to read on the internet. There is only so much surfing you can do in an 8 hour day. Then the stress of clicking out of the page when someone walks up behind me. I think it's all aging me faster than normal. I even took a nap on my lunch break. I really lucked out when I got this job. We have a super comfy couch at work!

I'm having company for dinner tomorrow night. It's funny how you can live a certain way then when you realize someone is coming over, you look at your house with a whole new set of eyes. My carpets were filthy so I rented a carpet cleaner yesterday. I didn't do the whole house and it didn't take me that long but maybe it was more work than I realized. That is certainly the reason why my back was killing me this morning. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.

I'm seriously going to be early tonight. My house is clean and I've done all my grocery shopping. Two loads of laundry to finish then I'm off to bed. ZZZzzzz

Antidepressant

2009-03-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about my last post. I have this blog for one reason and that is to get things off my chest without blowing up at the people I love. I don't even care if anyone reads this. But people are reading it and I don't for one minute want anyone to think that I am bragging that I have money in the bank. The country is in an economic mess and I feel so bad for the people that are losing their jobs and homes.

Growing up I lived in a nice view home. I had enough food and clothes. My parents helped me buy a car. I never thought my parents were wealthy because they didn't live like they were. They were very careful with their money. It was a treat to eat out at a fast food restaurant and we never got to have pop with our meal. It was considered an extravagance. They were so careful about their spending that they saved loads of money. My father left my mother very well off. If she passed away today, I could retire on my inheritance.

I married an older man who had a decent job. We purchased a new home before we were married. I didn't have to work for 15 years while I was raising my children. Then one day he quit his job. We sold our home in California and moved back to Washington. He didn't work steady for almost 10 years after that. We spent all the money we made on the sale of our house. We amassed so much credit card debt during that time that it was ridiculous. We were barely living from paycheck to paycheck. I was sure that the only thing we were going to leave our children was a ton of debt.

I suffered from depression for years. I was constantly worried about how we were going to buy groceries or pay the next bill. He was never as worried as I was. It drove me nuts. I lost all respect for my husband because he did not properly provide for his family. I begged him to take an interest in the bills. I thought if he had an idea where we were then he would possibly get his butt in gear and help us out of this miserable situation. It took us five years but we did finally pay off all that credit card debt. The lack of money took a toll on me and on my marriage. Looking back, I realize now that he was avoiding it because it depressed him as well.

When he finally figured out how unhappy I was he moved out. I didn't even think about how I would make it on my own. I guess I figured if we lived on my income for so long that I could probably continue on my own.

I am making it on my own and guess what? My depression is gone! I have not taken an antidepressant since he moved out. I know how much money I have. I know how much I can afford to spend. I may be a little crazy about letting go of my money but I WILL NEVER, EVER LIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN! I am happy. Having money in the bank is security and independence. I am not giving that up for anyone or anything.

So, I'm finally happy but I also have this underlying worry about the people of our country. I know how these people are feeling. I've been there and it sucks. There are a few blogs that I read daily. On Saturday one of them posted about how her husband had to take a job for half the pay and they are losing their home. I cried while I read it. I don't even know the woman and I feel for her. I hope and pray that things will get better for everyone. I cannot totally enjoy my freedom from debt until I know that things are better for everyone.

An uplifting story

2009-03-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Money changes everything

2009-03-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

When I met Jeff I was recently divorced and barely making ends meet. He was so kind to me, buying me clothes, makeup and paying for all of our dates. As I got on my feet I wanted to help contribute to our dates and he was insulted. We had a few discussions about money and decided that if it was my idea to visit a certain restaurant or go to a movie then he would let me pay. I just wanted to make a point that I wasn't after his money. He said that was a good thing because he didn't have massive amounts of money! He owns a home, has a decent job, has no debt other than his house payment.

My financial situation has changed drastically in the past four months. My home is paid for and will be part of my inheritance. My mother recently transferred the title into my name to avoid the inheritance taxes. In December I sold my interest in a family investment for $50,000.00. For the first time in my life I have more money in the bank than I've ever imagined. I have no debt other than my monthly utilities and a cell phone bill. I can live on 1/4 of my paycheck each month.

I have lived without a lot of things because I had no choice. Once I got that money, I paid my car off and purchased a laptop computer. I also told Jeff that we would take a nice vacation anywhere he wanted to go. I was willing to blow up to $6,000 on a vacation for the two of us. He convinced me that this is not the time to be spending money on vacations with the economy in such shambles. I had to agree with him. So instead we are taking a four day trip to Las Vegas.

We have been together for 15 months now. I stay at his house more than I stay at my own. It's almost like being married... only better. I buy groceries because I eat his groceries. But lately it seems like I've been paying for more and more things. I can afford it but I'm finding that now that I have money I'm having a harder time parting with it. He is teasing me about our vacation to Las Vegas being "all inclusive". I don't mind paying for all of our food while we are there. I was the one that really wanted this time away. I just cannot justify giving him money to gamble. I've been to Las Vegas many times and have spent less than $100 on gambling. There is lots to do there besides gambling.

Lately he's been saying things about how he needs money for this or that. He's thinking about having money for Vegas but now he needs to take the Harley in for service. The bill will be at least $300. We are going back to his home state for a family reunion in July and he's commenting on how he's going to purchase his ticket. I really don't know how much money he has in the bank. I know that he received an insurance settlement and he might be the type of person that says he's broke but really means that he's broke as far as what he budgets to spend each month.

Yesterday he wanted to go to the local casino. He says it's his way of unwinding. He has an extremely stressful job and I understand that. It's just that everytime I go there I think about the money I am putting in that machine. I think about how long it took me to earn it, what I could be buying with it or better yet, it could go into my savings account. Throwing money away is not how I relax. He wanted to stay and I wanted to leave. We did leave but I could tell that he was really pissed at me. We talked a little about it when we got home. I understand how he needs to de-stress and we are going to get out more and have some fun. What I really wanted to talk to him was about money. I tried and he told me not to worry about his money and that we both have enough money to go to the casino if we want.

I guess my point is... I notice every off-handed remark he makes about money. I'm sure he's not even aware of it. He's been so generous with me I feel like I should share with him. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. That was the specific reason that I did not want my children to know about the money. I knew that if they knew they would hint around about things they need help with. They still do hint but they also think that I'm broke and I like it that way. It's just a guilt thing I guess. Having money has given me a security I have not known for years. The more I have, the more I want to save. I guess money does change a person.

A letter to my son

2009-03-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

When you moved back in you signed an agreement which you have fulfilled none of the items on that agreement. You have sat around here for months and have accomplished nothing. You have dirtied my house, ate my food and have had to been asked numerous times to even get something accomplished around here.

I need my space. This was once the home where you grew up but it really is no longer your home. You are an adult. The things in my home are mine. I feel like you feel they are yours as well. I know you won’t understand this, possibly not until you have children of your own or maybe never. I’ve done all I can for you. I raised you, gave everything I have to you but now it’s time to stand on your own two feet. You are an adult and you need to start taking over your life, make a plan and get on with it.

As I said, I need my space. For months I couldn’t even come home and have my home to myself. I can’t even have my bedroom to myself because you sit on my computer all day while you should have been out looking for a job. My garage is a mess. I’ve asked for the paint on the floor to be cleaned up but its still there. I have tools missing. I buy food and want to come home and eat it but find it gone. You get extra money and you go out and buy yourself fast food. Did you ever think of buying some food for the house?

You’ve had it very easy, free rent, food, utilities. I haven’t even had friends over because I can’t have my own house to myself. I feel like I have to leave to be with my friends. You have until June 1^st to move out.

I want to leave my home clean and know that I will come back to it clean. The carpets are dirty from you wearing your shoes /boots in the house. I need to clean them but I don’t think that you will respect my wishes once they are clean and not wear shoes in the house. The bathroom mats are always dirty and it drives me crazy.

I am 50 years old. I’ve made some drastic changes to my life. I feel like its time to enjoy my “new’ home. And my new life. But I feel like you are holding me back from that new life. It makes me unhappy and I no longer want to be unhappy.

Am I being shallow?

2009-03-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Something about has really been bothering me lately and for the life of me, I could not figure it out. Now I know what it is but it’s not making things any better.

I met Jeff on Match.com 15 months ago. It’s been a wild and glorious time. I can literally say I’ve never been happier. I kept waiting for the “honeymoon” stage to be over but it never seemed to come. Something has gradually changed and today I finally realized what it was.

Jeff was the one who messaged me first. I wasn’t really interested because let’s face it, if a guy doesn’t have his picture on his profile, there is a serious reason. I kept putting him off and he kept pestering me. I finally gave in and talked to him on the phone. Our first phone conversation lasted 7 hours. We talked all night long about anything and everything. During that conversation he sent me a photo of himself. There I am, phone to my ear staring at my computer screen when up pops his picture. I could not contain myself. He had the most disgusting mustache I had ever seen. It wasn’t any ordinary mustache it was at least 8 inches long. I told him he sounded like a nice guy but the mustache was a complete turn off. I know it sounds shallow but I was just being totally honest. I said thanks but no thanks. He told me that he was considering cutting it. I told him to please, don’t cut it for me. But he insisted and we made a date. When I met him it was instant attraction.

Jeff is a wonderful man. He’s kind, respectful, loving and attentive. He’s all a woman could ever ask for. There is just one problem. He’s grown that mustache back out. We’ve had many discussions about how I find it unattractive. He likes women with long hair. I’ve grown my hair out which is something I would never have done for a man. He’s refused to cut his mustache so I cut 3 inches off of my hair. He says I’m playing games. Not really, I’m just trying to prove a point. He says women with short hair are manly and unattractive but a mustache on a man is masculine. My point is that he finds short hair just as unattractive as I find his mustache. He doesn’t understand my point. I made my feelings known from day one. It’s not like this is a big surprise to him.

For the past few months I’ve tried to reason with myself. Like he said one day, now that I know him as a person I should see past the mustache. I’m sorry, but I can’t. It is such a turn off. I usually stay at his house 4 nights a week. Lately when I’m there, I just want to go home. I’m supposed to go over there tonight. I know what he’s got planned because he’s sent some nasty text messages today. We do that a lot. It’s kind of like our version of foreplay. The problem is I’m not turned on. I just want to stay home tonight but I can’t let this go on any longer. I really need for him to understand how I feel. Tonight I’m going to try to have a serious discussion about my feelings. I’m not going to make any ultimatums because I can’t and won’t.

The hardest thing for me to do is have a serious discussion. I’ve never been good at it which is one of the reasons I got a divorce. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes with this relationship. He’s teaching me to say how I feel and he never gets upset or judges me. I’m just praying that he will really understand that I love him but am so turned off.

So much work

2009-03-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to start a blog for some time now. I finally got the time today to set one up but I never realized it would be so hard to name the damn thing. I must have gone through tons of names just trying to find something that hasn't already been thought of.

I need a place to vent or cheer about my family and my life. I have a myspace blog but it's hard to write certain things when three of your four children are your top friends! I've decided that a blog is much cheaper than therapy. Besides, the last therapist I had was kind of crazy. I'm not sure if I could trust a woman that will openly admit she's been admitted to a mental hospital. I didn't agree with anything this woman said except for one thing. That I will save for a future post.