It's Sunday and I have my usual anxiety, what's new?

Why is it that when my life seems to be going well something always happens to turn it to shit? As the kids were growing up there would always be this point where everyone seemed to be heading in the right direction, all was well, but it was just the calm before the storm. Something dramatic would always crop up.

I've come to realize that even though they are grown, anything that affects my children still affects me. The past few days I have felt on the verge of tears most of the day. I never want to be a downer around Jeff so I just put a smile on my face, in my voice and try to push my insecurities away. It helps for the most part.

I went on my interview last Friday. I guess I did okay. She (Michelle) told Laurie (the head hunter) that she liked me and thought I could do the job. In fact, she thought I could actually teach them some things about using their software. They use the same software that I used at my last job. I'm sure we didn't use the program to it's fullest potential but they certainly don't. Michelle also told Laurie that she couldn't get a feel for my personality and didn't feel that we 'clicked'. Laurie explained to her that I've only had two jobs. I wasn't a 'professional interviewee' and maybe don't know how to say what I think she wants to hear. Michelle told Laure she would like to interview with me again. I guess that will be sometime this next week. I'm thinking that I'm going to go work there, not be Michelle's friend, so why the hell do I need to click with her?

The problem is I don't think I want the job. I don't think I will be happy and Jeff tells me I need to change my attitude. He's right to a degree but I also know myself well enough that there are some major red flags going off.

First of all, I'm a people person. I loved working retail because I loved the interaction with the customers and my fellow employees. I then went to work in an office of 25. There were only five of us on our floor. Greg and Mark were in an adjoining office, Tija and Jamie and I were in another office. Tija did payroll and was extremely busy but she and Jamie and I chatted throughout the day. It was a nice place but I still missed the interaction with more people.
This job that I interviewed for is basically a receptionist and I would be at the front door totally secluded from EVERYONE in the building. Also, they are fire alarm company (installation and service) so they are on call 24/7. I would have to be tied to the phone from 7:30am until 4:30pm. No exceptions. I don't have a problem being on time in the morning, I always arrive around 20 minutes early. I just don't like that I will have to call someone when I want to use the bathroom so they can back me up on the phone. I don't want to be tied to my desk. I loved my past jobs because of the flexibility. It's not like there are a lot of jobs out there, I don't have the luxury of being picky. But I also feel guilty that these people would be paying almost $8,000.00 to hire me. I should have a better attitude.

So, the job stuff is stressful enough. Now I have Kjersti and her drama as well. I thought that she was finally on her way to independence. I was wrong. I have learned over the years that you only hear what they want to tell you but she tells me that she withheld from David the full extent of the abuse she received from Aydan's father. She didn't tell David until after they were married and now he says she lied and he can never trust her again. He wants a divorce.

All I know for sure is that she loves him very much. I have seen her do everything in her power to make him happy. He's just not a happy person. She is so heart broken and feels she has failed miserably. She is also heart broken for Aydan. He called David 'Daddy' and they loved each other very much. She feels bad for Aydan losing someone he loves. I understand completely.

I think David is a controlling person and she's better off without him but my heart still aches for her.

So... she is moving back from Michigan and has no place to go. Guess where she will be living? My house. I swear to God I will never have my own space. No, I did, for about 6 months when Gunnar moved out. I will basically be moving in with Jeff. What that really means is that I will leave all my things (furniture, dishes, personal belongings) at my house, move my clothes to Jeff's and no longer live out of a suitcase. Kjersti will take over my bedroom and Aydan will take the guest room. In my mind it will only be slightly better than living out of a suitcase.

Jeff's house is smaller than mine so I really can't be moving stuff into here and besides the kids will need stuff anyway. I feel like I'm being pushed out of my home and don't feel totally at home at Jeff's. Once again I feel like because I'm a parent I have to put myself out for them. I'm tired of it, I want my own life. My own grownup life.

I'm thinking maybe I need to double my dose of Celexa.