Down to the wire

I'm not having a good day. I should be because the sun is shining and it's absolutely gorgeous outside today. I feel anxious and want to take a Xanax.

I have decided that I have been unemployed long enough. (I think it's been about 5 weeks now) Unfortunately it's not that easy. There are no jobs out there that I am qualified for. It appears that I should be taking a class on Quickbooks because every fucking job out there wants someone qualified to use Quickbooks and of course I used a program that was industry specific. An industry that is hurting and not hiring. Ugh!

Adding to my anxiety is that my health insurance is running out in one more week. Last week when I was at the dentist getting my crown the dentist tells me that I have these questionable spots on the inside of my cheeks. She says they look like leukoplakia which can be precancerous spots. She says the good thing is I have them on both cheeks which isn't as much of a concern unless I had them on only one cheek. I didn't have them six months ago when I had my teeth cleaned. My other dentist tells me that they can also be caused by stress. Oh, let's see; what the fuck do I have to be stressed about? No job, soon no health insurance, my daughter and grandson staying with me for two weeks. Yeah, I got me some stress right now.

I didn't even know I had these spots and probably could have lived without knowing. But now my crazy mind has taken over. I made the mistake of looking up leukoplakia online. I know have all the symptoms. I've also decided that I have cancer of the mouth. I'm going to lose everything. All my money will be gone, I'll have to sell my cars and house just to pay my doctors bills. And in the end I will die anyway. I will die penniless.

My dentist wants me to see an oral surgeon. He says he sees this stuff everyday and can make a better diagnosis. He may just prescribe me a steroid rinse. I'm going to be a wreck until tomorrow. In the meantime? I just want to drug myself up, curl up in a ball and forget about everything.